


Celebration of Prismatic Refractions

by PenguinZero



Category: Steins;Gate
Genre: Canon Trans Character, Childhood, F/M, Family, Friendship, Holidays, Misses Clause Challenge, Post-Canon, Yuletide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-22
Updated: 2013-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-05 14:26:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1095015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PenguinZero/pseuds/PenguinZero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Holidays are a time for new beginnings -- whether Christmas, New Year's, graduation, or a simple vacation.  As Okabe Rintarou records his thoughts about the new world of Steins;Gate, seven of his closest friends see him from their own perspectives -- in the past, the present, and even the future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. #001 -- Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lightningwaltz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightningwaltz/gifts).



In the year 2010, I, the great mad scientist Hououin Kyouma, pioneered a form of science no one had ever seen before.  I became the world's first successful time traveler, inasmuch as the term 'first' can be said to apply to such a science.  Moreover, I became the first person to bear all of my memories through the shift in world lines, remembering history as it was before I tampered with time.

Eventually, I managed to bring the timeline to a stable resting point, the unique world line I have dubbed Steins;Gate.  A world line where dystopia did not loom in our future, and where the present day was not marred by the deaths of my dearest friends.  A world I could accept. 

Which is not to say a bright future is guaranteed.  There are countless other disasters the world could collapse in to.  Another international organization could rise up into a globe-girdling tyranny.  Another world war could break out for entirely different reasons.  Or perhaps something different – perhaps a terrorist cult will release a virus into the earth's atmosphere that will induce nine-tenths of the world's population to commit suicide.  Robots could rise up and slaughter the entirety of mankind.  The sun could even unexpectedly destabilize and burn Earth to a cinder.

But even without such potential doomsday scenarios, it is also a world where the five newer members of the Future Gadget Laboratory had not joined us.  Where the events bonding us together during the three weeks I experimented with time travel and we faced off against the machinations of SERN never happened.  There is much to this world that I need to adapt to and understand.  Even past events may have been changed.

I have decided to keep a journal of sorts.  Not of my day-to-day actions, but of my knowledge.  What I know of my friends that may or may not be true here, and the things I discover about them that are new to me.  For my own reference, and as insurance against certain future possibilities.

This is a fresh start, for me and for the world.  I will strive to do it justice.


	2. #002 -- Astral Decoherence

_I can't imagine there is a single time line in which I would actually need to seek out Mayuri._

_Our first meeting was so long ago I can hardly remember it. We were both children then, pushed together by an uncaring school system and the casual acquaintance our parents had with each other. From that point, a number of incidents pulled us into friendship, culminating in the wake of her grandmother's death, when I committed myself to the path of the mad scientist and declared her my hostage, to show her that she would never be alone as long as I was there._

_That, in a very real sense, was the foundation of the Future Gadget Laboratory, although it would not achieve its final form until several years later, when Daru and I set up our enterprise upon graduation from high school. But my declaration was the moment I committed to supporting the first of my fellow Lab Members through whatever might come. Though at the time I had no concept of the fact that it would someday include protecting her from time travel and doomed alternate universes._

_I find it interesting, if somewhat disturbing, that one of the key defining features of the α world line was that Mayuri had to die. Or, to put it another way, that in no conceivable world where she lived would SERN be able take over the world. Was that a reflection on her, somehow? Perhaps it was a statement about how her life and death would influence me and Daru. SERN required our capture and temporary cooperation to develop their time machine; perhaps having Mayuri to support us would mean we'd always be able to resist. Her loss could certainly have plausibly broken our spirits. It would have broken mine if I hadn't had the Time Leap Machine. Or perhaps she would have done something heroic in her own right — she shows surprising strength in a crisis._

_Mayuri knows little to none of this, of course. I believe she may have had dreams about the alternate timelines, but nothing to the degree that it might alarm her. I'm grateful for this. If she remembered anything from the other timelines, it would most likely include her deaths. And I would do anything to save her from even the memories of that._

_And yet… She's stronger than I often give her credit for. She helped me out in so many ways over the course of my trans-temporal struggles. I have protected her for most of our lives — but in a way, she's been there for me even longer._

_She is the first recruit to the Future Gadget Laboratory, #002. She is my best friend. She is my hostage and test subject. And all that is far, far too simple and weak to describe what she really means to me._

_She's Mayuri. I suppose that will have to do. Because to be honest, that's far more than enough._

 

**December 1, 1999**

 

"Eww, Okarin, you're all sweaty!"

Okarin put his hands on his knees, gasping dramatically. "It's… it's of no consequence," he said. "It's just 'cause I'm running so hard. You can't tire me out, though! The Evil Shogun of the Phoenix Temple will catch the fair damsel in distress no matter what!"

He lunged at me, and I dodged away, giggling. "Nuh-uh! You're never gonna catch me. I'm gonna fly away!" I ran towards the jungle gym and grabbed on, climbing up a few bars before he could even get close.

"Foul! No fair!" he said, grabbing at me uselessly. "Damsels in distress can't fly!"

"Mayushii can! 'Cause Mayushii's a fairy!" I said. I climbed up to the top of the jungle gym, letting my dress flap like a fairy's wings, while Okarin shook his fist at me from down below. "Too-too-roo!" I called out triumphantly as I reached the top.

It was neat looking out over the schoolyard from so high up. It was just about sunset, and everything looked like it had been painted orange and pink, even the sky. The teachers were watching us from the benches, and a lot of the other kids were playing a circle game over near the front gate. I could hear their singing drifting across the wind towards us. There were these really pretty long, thin clouds stretched out near the horizon — they almost looked close enough to touch.

"C'mon, Okarin! It's really pretty up here!"

I heard a thump from down below.

I looked down. Okarin had fallen over.

"Okarin?"

I scrambled down from the jungle gym. "Okarin, are you okay? Are you too tired? Do you want to take a break?"

He didn't answer. He was breathing hard, and sweating worse than he had been before. I reached out to touch his arm. It felt hot. Too hot.

"Okarin? Okarin!"

He struggled to lift his head. Looking at me with a face twisted in pain. His eyes tried to focus on me. I saw his mouth move, struggling to say something…

"M… millennium…"

And then his eyes glazed over. He wasn't looking at anything. And he fell down.

I must have been screaming. I could see the teachers running towards us out of the corner of my eyes. I could feel the tears on my face. I could feel my throat starting to hurt from how loud I was. But I couldn't hear my own voice. All I could hear was the distant song, coming to my ears over the wind.

 

_…The crane and the turtle all fell down  
Who is right in front behind you?_

 

**December 2, 1999**

"—haven't been able to pinpoint a cause yet," the doctor said. "Of course, children his age are prone to all manner of unusual infections, so we can't rule much out at this point. His fever is worryingly high, but it's too soon to be pessimistic. Right now the best thing we can do is keep him hydrated and calm while we try a few kinds of…"

The doctor was talking to Okarin's parents, but I could hear, even halfway across the room, holding tight to Granny. Mama and Papa hadn't been able to come, but Granny was always there for me. She'd said I could come to the hospital instead of going to school, because she knew I'd been up all night crying because I was scared for Okarin.

I'd never been to a hospital before. I'd never thought of them as scary, though. It didn't look scary. Everything was clean and tidy, and the walls were all freshly painted. But it didn't smell like fresh paint, which I always thought was a nice smell. There was just this weird smell, faint but pungent, that I'd never smelled before. It was a little like the rubbing alcohol Granny would put on my scrapes sometimes, but much weaker, like someone had tried and tried to clean it up but never quite got it all.

"I wanna see him," I whispered to Granny, miserable. "I don't even know if he's okay…"

Granny rubbed my arm. "I know, dear." She craned her head to look over at the doctor. "I think they're going to be a little while longer… We can probably slip in while nobody's looking." She took my hand. It felt good to have her helping as we went to the hospital bedroom. I don't know if I could've done it alone.

I hesitated at the doorway. I didn't know what to expect. I had thought there would be doctors hovering over him all the time, and lots of tubes and wires and machines that went beep. There weren't any machines or wires or doctors, and just one tube, starting from a little bag that looked like it was full of water and going under the blankets.

Granny gave me a gentle push on my shoulder, and I went into the room. It was quieter in there. I could still sort of hear the doctor talking in the waiting room, but mostly all I heard was Okarin breathing.

He looked so tiny in the bed. It was built for grown-ups, I guess, and even though Okarin was two years older than me he still wasn't a grown-up. I pulled myself up onto a chair by the bedside, and leaned over to put my hand on his shoulder.

His eyes opened. Just a tiny bit, looking bleary and gummy, but they opened. I gasped in surprise.

"Mayuri…" he muttered.

"Yes! I'm right here, Okarin, I'm right here!" I squeezed his shoulder. He was so warm, too warm…

"Mayuri… the clocks… they're falling…"

"What? Okarin, what do you mean?"

"Every clock is breaking… Time is split… Mayuri, they know the year will be zero and they aren't stopping it… It's the hand, Mayuri… the hand… The hidden…"

I felt my tummy wrenching again. "I don't understand what you're saying, Okarin. You're not making any sense…"

"It's the millennium, Mayuri… the Lord of Terror… There's a star in the sky and the secret masters use it to kill the world… All the computers will destroy the world because they think it's already gone… The people should know but they're not doing anything… Everyone's dying, Mayuri… Everyone's dying…"

His eyes fluttered and closed again. I was frozen stiff. I didn't know what to do. Faintly, I could hear Granny talking in the other room, telling the doctor that Okarin had woken up, but all I could do was just stand there, leaning over the bed, feeling so afraid for him…

 

**December 31, 1999**

It was a long time past my bedtime. But I'd always been allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve, to watch the Kohaku song battle show and even the countdown to midnight, if I could stay awake that long. I never could, but I always tried, because I always liked the singers' costumes.

This wasn't an ordinary New Year's Eve, though. Mama had brought me some year-end soba earlier, but I'd barely touched it. Granny was with me now, but she was dozing off out in the lounge, in front of an old TV. I was sitting in Okarin's room, by his side.

He wasn't looking any better than he had been. He couldn't keep much food down, even when they were able to feed him, so they'd been sticking tubes down his nose, which was gross and hard to look at and really sad. His skin was pale and waxy, and he felt all warm and sweaty when I held his hand. His fever still hadn't gone down, not one bit. The doctors were so worried. I'd been trying to put cold washcloths on his head sometimes, but the doctors said that wouldn't help. I thought it would at least feel good for him — it always felt good when Granny did it while I was sick.

And when he was awake, he kept on trying to talk, but it never made any sense. I'd been listening to him whenever I was there — and I was there every day, after school or before school or all day now that the winter vacation had started — and I'd heard just about everything he had to say, but nothing made sense.

I could hear the TV from the lounge, where the announcer was wrapping up the Kohaku show. I think he was saying the white team had won, but I didn't really care this year. To me, all that it meant was that it was fifteen minutes to midnight.

"Listen, Okarin. They're getting ready for the countdown. Didn't you always want to hear the countdown to 2000?" Okarin wouldn't get to see this, something he'd been talking about for years, even before I could really understand. I could feel the tears in my eyes.

Okarin shifted and mumbled a little. "Falling… everything's falling… The Sky King of Terror looms over us… Mayuri, you have to see… have to see the sky… Angolmois… the angle of the moon, the orbital insertion, the sun… Until something is observed, it both did and did not happen… They've come together to make sure the divergence point diverges, but they aren't enough… If the sky didn't fall, then the Millennium fails…"

It wasn't any different from the kinds of things he'd been saying ever since he woke up the first time. Sometimes he just said words, or fragments of words, that didn't make any sense. Sometimes he talked about computers, or time, or dreaming, or people that didn't sound like anybody we knew. There wasn't ever anything that I could hold on to. There wasn't ever anything that made me think he really knew I was there.

Except that he had never said anyone's name but mine.

"It's okay, Okarin," I said, stroking the back of his hand. "Just rest…"

"No… no… the sky, Mayuri, the sky! You have to see… Someone has to see… They're trying so hard, but someone has to see…"

And his hand tightened around mine.

I nearly jumped out of my chair. All month, he hadn't moved except to open his eyes, or to flop around when the nurses were taking care of him. I stared at him, wide-eyed — and his eyes twitched, looking in my direction, trying to focus on me.

"Please, Mayuri… you have to see the sky…"

I felt my hands tightening on his, without me really thinking about it. "I… I promise, Okarin. I promise…"

He smiled, then, just a tiny bit. Just a weak, confused smile as he let his head drop back and fell asleep again. His hand relaxed. But I still didn't want to let go. Not for a little while, anyway.

 

Granny opened her eyes as I walked back out. "My, is the show over already? I must have missed who won."

I looked at the TV. They were showing a bunch of different places all around the country — a lot of parties people were having, with lights and big clocks and sometimes balls ready to drop. It didn't make me too happy to see, though.

I climbed up on the couch beside her and curled up next to her. "Okarin was saying funny stuff again," I said. "He wanted me to go outside."

She put her arm around me in a hug. "He didn't want to talk to you any more? Oh, darling…"

"Nuh-uh. He said he wanted me to look at the sky… He said it was important."

"Oh? Well, that's interesting." She snuggled me close. "It might be nice to get out in the fresh air. Maybe he wishes he could see the stars?"

I didn't think so. He hadn't been making any sense. But…

Granny took the shawl she'd been using as a blanket and tucked it around my shoulders. "Maybe you should go take a good long look at the sky, and then come back and tell Rintarou-kun what it was like. Maybe it'd make him feel a little better?"

I sniffled a little. "Maybe."

I guess I didn't really believe it. But Granny thought it might be true. And Granny wouldn't lie to me.

 

I didn't know if there was any way onto the rooftop, or any balconies I could use, so instead I just went out to the courtyard. It was chilly outside, but I pulled the shawl tight around me, making the wind a little less cold. There was no snow, not even on the ground, and no clouds. I could see the stars — the city lights were too bright for me to see all of them, but there were still some.

I looked up at them for a little while. I heard there were a lot more stars when you were out in the country, but I'd never seen them. But just the ones we had in the city were really pretty. Tiny bits of light in the sky, sparkling like jewels. Okarin had told me about how they were huge, and really, really far away. I wasn't sure I really got what they were like, but that was okay. It was neat just hearing Okarin talk about them.

One star caught my eye, because it was drifting across the sky. No, I realized, stars didn't move. A planet? Or a satellite? It looked like it was blinking a little. Or maybe shimmering. It was pretty, anyway, and really bright.

I reached out my hand towards it, as if I could cross through the sky and space and take hold of it, bringing it back to warm Okarin's heart.

And it began to fall.

I gasped. A shooting star! It was the first time I'd seen a real shooting star, and it was more amazing than I could have imagined. I could see it speeding up, with little bursts of blue and red and green popping off of it like tiny, tiny sparks.

I didn't even stop to think. I just remembered what Granny had always said. That a wish you can make three times as a shooting star falls will come true.

_OkaringetbetterOkaringetbetterOkaringetbetter!_

I just managed to complete the thought by the time the star vanished, in one final pop of light and sparks. It was almost like a tiny firework. I kept on staring up into the sky, past my outstretched hand. I'd been too stunned to pull it back down.

Would it work? A lot of the kids at school said only babies still wished on stars or believed in magic. But Granny said it worked more often than not, if you really believed, and Granny wouldn't lie to me.

I couldn't decide. But I hoped Okarin would be okay.

 

**January 1, 2000**

"…but apart from a few minor glitches, there's no sign the so-called Y2K Bug was ever anything more than hype. Experts are crediting the hard work of numerous teams of experts revising critical systems, and say that the threat was always overstated by the media, leading to unrealistic predictions of global disaster. We'll have more on that later, but first, the weather."

I woke up slowly, to the sound of the TV in the lounge. They'd left it on all night, I guess, and now it was time for the morning news.

The sun was coming in through the window. I wanted to see the first sunrise of the new year — no, I guess the new century? Or that word Okarin had kept on using — the new millennium. I must have fallen asleep after getting back to Okarin's room, and I was sitting on the chair, resting my head on the edge of the bed. Someone — Granny? — had put the shawl over my shoulders. Yawning, I lifted my face to the dawn.

And saw a miracle.

Okarin was sitting up in bed. His head turned to the window. Watching the first sunrise of the year 2000.

I couldn't say anything for a moment. I just had to see him, sitting there in the sunlight.

"Okarin…" I whispered at last, reaching out my hand to him.

He turned his head towards me — and then wobbled and fell backwards. His head landed on the pillow with a soft thump.

"Ma… yuri…?" he said in a hoarse voice. "What happened? Is this… a hospital?"

"Uh-huh." I managed to get my hands around one of his. He was feeling so much cooler, and not sweaty any more. "You had a fever. A really bad one."

"A fever, huh?" He tried to push himself up from the bed, but collapsed back down. "Ugh. My eyes feel all… gooey. Everything looks wrong. And I'm too dizzy to stand, and my body keeps twitching…"

"You've been asleep for a long time now. A whole month. You're probably feeling real weak…"

"And…" He wrinkled his nose. "There's something stuck in my throat. And my nose…"

I had to giggle. "That's how they've been feeding you."

"It feels gross. Do you think I could just yank it out?"

"I think it might hurt, Okarin."

"Yeah…" He rubbed at the tube, then forced himself to pull his hand away. "I remember… I was on the playground. And then I got all dizzy, and then… I was dreaming, I think. You were there, but I saw a lot of things. And then… something about the sky… There was something there…"

"It was the star, Okarin. Mayushii saw a falling star, and wished on it, and the wish came true…"

"A falling star." He stared at the ceiling. "I remember something like that, from the dreams… But it wasn't a star or a meteor. There were… people, trying to stop something dangerous, and a…" He shook his head, frustrated. "It's gone now. But I thought it was so important."

"You were talking a lot about your dreams. I didn't know what you were saying most of the time."

He tried to smile a little, but I could see it was hard for him. "I'm sorry, Mayuri. I made you worry so much…"

I just smiled and shook my head. "It's okay, Okarin. You didn't mean to. And I'm just glad you're better."

He squeezed my hand, and I squeezed back. All the dreams and delusions and fevers were just a bad memory. Okarin was happy now. That was all that mattered to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of the millennium, the Y2K bug, a timeline juncture that causes a young boy to develop the ability to recall alternate timelines, and a mysterious shooting star that foretells his recovery -- doesn't that just sound like the perfect setting for another story in the Science Adventure Series? I added other elements, such as the Nostradamus references, to give it a bit more texture.
> 
> Was there really a conspiracy in this timeline, perhaps by the Council of 300, to cull the Earth's population using the Y2K bug? And would it be possible some unknown heroes would have stopped this? Hard to say for sure. But it's an interesting idea, I think.


	3. #003 -- Matriculation to Microculture

_ Ah, Daru.  Hashida Itaru, a.k.a. DaSH, a.k.a. the Supah Hakkah.  (An epithet he most resoundingly protests against, which I suppose is one of the reasons I continue to bestow it upon him.)  What can be said about this friend of great devotion and greater girth?  What can I say about one of the cleverest members of the Future Gadget Laboratory? _

_ Daru holds the honor of being the friend I have known the second-longest, after Mayuri.  Which, I suppose, speaks mostly to the meagerness of my social life in the years since kindergarten.  But I would trade any number of shallow acquaintances for a true friend like Daru.  His skills are indisputable, and his commitment to his friends only slightly less obvious.   _

_ Much of the time he acts as silent, or at least quiet, support for the laboratory.  He is oft lost in his world of hacking, gaming, and tinkering, paying little attention to the theatrics I engage in to express my genius and entertain Mayuri.  He is surprisingly sociable, despite the impression he often gives off — he is good friends with Faris and Rukako, though his twisted intents towards them are rather obvious.  But he did not seek out friends to begin with.  I sometimes feel only my presence has saved him from a life of loneliness that he would endure, but never thrive under. _

_ Curiously enough, I also know that in at least two alternate world lines, he married and had a child, which strikes me as preposterously unlikely.  I'm going to be watching him quite eagerly in this world line to see if he somehow manages it a third time.  If he even comes close to wooing a girl, I anticipate it to be a spectacle beyond belief. _

_Perhaps I am too harsh on him, but really, it's all part of our unique camaraderie.  Daru and I keep each other grounded, poking at the flaws we both have and letting us never forget we are but mere mortals.  There is a reason I sought him out as one of the core members of the Future Gadget Laboratory, and his genius is only a small part of that.  He is Lab Member #003 — but he is also one of my best friends.  And I hope the paths of our lives will never part_.

 

**July 3, 2008**

I didn't so much become friends with Shiina and Okabe my sophomore year as come down with them, like a contagious disease.  Or get claimed by them like a feral cat claims a new owner.

I'd known Okabe from afar, as that weirdo in my class who got surprisingly good grades, and I'd occasionally seen Shiina as that cute but kind of spacey junior high girl who came over to our school surprisingly often.  We didn't really talk much freshman year.  Or at all.  Which shouldn't really have been a surprise -- I didn't talk to anyone all that much.  Socializing took time away from hacking and erogame downloads.  I was kind of obsessed with erogames that year, since I'd finally found both a reliable source for cracked downloads and a familiarity with the teachers' routines to the point where I could play them in the computer lab without risking getting caught.

It's not like I was totally antisocial — I got into a lot of debates on @chan — but a guy's got to have his priorities.

Sophomore year I pulled back a little, focusing only on the special erogames, the ones with mai waifus, instead of every single game I could get my hands on.  Which left an opening for other people to start edging in to my life.  It's not like I sought them out or anything, it just seemed to happen.  

The turning point, I think, was the day of the Grand Opening.

"Hashida!  Where do you think you're going?"  Okabe Rintarou blocked my way out the classroom door, spreading his arms wide.

I looked down at him.  I'd hit a growth spurt well before him, though I wasn't sure if he'd noticed.  "What's it to you, man?  School's over."

"Did you not hear the teacher?  This assignment is to be worked on in pairs, and you and I were assigned as partners.  We must join together to overcome it!"

"Too much effort.  I'll just get the answers on the net, turn them in for both of us.  Don't worry about it."

"Oh ho."  Okabe pushed up some imaginary glasses on his face.  "Taking the swift and devious route to success?  I wouldn't have expected it from the likes of you.  Are you hiding a lack of capability from the teachers, perhaps?  Your much-vaunted intelligence all a sham?  Or are you perhaps indebted to some criminal organization, who command all your efforts be for their sake?"

I side-eyed him.  "No, I've just got better things to do with my time than waste it on high-school math.  Way better.  I cracked this stuff in junior high, seriously."

"Oh, really?  Then what are you turning your attention to?  What supersedes school for you?"

I sighed.  "If you're gonna be like that — there's a new cafe opening today down in Akihabara.  MayQueen+NyanNyan.  Only it's written like 'Nyan Squared.'  It's the first cafe ever to combine maids with catgirl play.  And there's a special souvenir for customers today while supplies last, so there's no way I'm hanging around here.  I was planning to skip school today, even, but my folks caught on."

"Oooh, that sounds cute!"  Okabe's friend Shiina poked her head into the room.  "Too-too-roo!  Hi, Okarin!  Itaru-kun!"

I blushed a little.  I think that was the first time a girl other than my mom had actually called me by my first name.  "Oh… uh, hi…  You actually know my name?"

"Uh-huh!  Cause you're in the same class as Okarin, and he likes you, so Mayushii thought it'd be a good thing to know about you!"

Girls referring to themselves in the third person was always hot.  Girls using cute nicknames even more so.  "Oh…  Well, it's not like we're exactly friends…"

"Don't misunderstand Mayuri's praise, Hashida.  You are clearly the most intelligent person in class aside from me, and it is always worth a mad scientist's time to monitor potential rivals… or recruits."

"Sure, whatever.  Look, I'm heading out."  I eyed Shiina — Mayushii — a little.  "You guys can come too, if you want.  Probably easier to hang out at a table for a while if there's more than one of us.  Especially if one's a cute babe."

Okabe raised an eyebrow, then suddenly pulled out his cell phone — without turning it on, as far as I could see.

"It's me," he said into the phone.  "We've made contact with Potential Underling #02.  My hostage is accompanying the two of us to a sordid den of vice where we will discuss terms of his potential employment.  I will remain eternally vigilant for signs that he may be a subversive undercover agent from the Organization out to ruin our plans.  Stay ready for further contact.  El Psy Congroo."

I looked at him, dumbstruck.  "…What the hell was that all about?"

"Okarin has a special secret phone," Mayuri explained, smiling.  "He gets secret missions from it, and talks to people who fight this weird Organization!"

"Riiiiiight."  I grabbed my bag.  "We going or what?"

"Okarin, let's not keep Itaru-kun waiting!"

"Man, you're lucky, Okabe.  A nickname from a cute babe like this?  So jelly."

"Ooh, I could make one for you, too!  Ummm, let's see…  Shiina Mayuri is Mayu-shii…  Okabe Rintarou is Oka-rin…  Um, Hashi-ita?  Ita-hashi?  Those don't sound nice.  Maybe the back half…  Da-ru?  Daru-kun!  When you're together with us, you can be Daru-kun!"

I shivered.  My own nickname, and the way she'd said it…  "C-could you say that again, only a little lower and smoother?"

Damn.  It just slipped out.  I was pretty sure saying that to a real woman was gonna get me slapped.  I mean, it only worked about half the time for the erogame protagonists I loved to play, and they had the advantage of willing 2D girls.

"Oh.  Um…. 'When you're together with us, you can be Daru-kun?'"

She tried.  She actually tried.  I mean, it didn't sound very different, but she tried.

"Hmf.  If you're done harassing my hostage, pervert king, we should be off!  This 'cat maid cafe' is the perfect place for our next research project…"

Yeah, I wasn't exactly cool on having Okabe tagging along with me... but maybe it wouldn't be too bad.

 

**November 2, 2009**

And then came senior year.  Which is when things really started to get weird.  Mayuri started at our school, which gave me the blissful sight of her in a school uniform more often — and she started a part-time job at MayQueen+NyanNyan, giving me the even more blissful sight of her waiting on me in a maid uniform and cat ears.  But balancing that out was the fact that Okarin was determined to press our friendship harder.  And… well, it wasn't like he was a bad guy or anything.  It was just that he seemed stuck in this whole eighth-grader-itis, pretentious hipster bullshit phase.  After the first time he'd picked up a lab coat in chemistry class, he wore it everywhere.  He kept on doing the stupid phone thing, talking about fighting the 'Organization.'  And let's not even talk about the sort of things he did in science class.

It sometimes made Mayuri laugh, though.  Thinking about it, I'd figured that was probably what it was all about.

Still, I didn't intentionally seek them out most of the time.  They just found me.  I spent my own time on more interesting projects.  Which is how it came to pass that I was in the school computer lab one Monday afternoon, enjoying the chance to linger in school and work on a project.

Of course, there's both up sides and down sides to having a place you can call home at school.  The up side is that you always have some place to go.  The down side is that people always know where to find you.

"Daru!" Okarin burst into the computer lab.  And I don't use the phrase 'burst into' lightly.  Dude could blow the doors off a pup tent.  He flung the door open and lunged inside, letting the lab coat flap behind him.  "We have come to enlist you in a most dread and terrible journey!"

"Okarin just wants to escort me to work," Mayuri said in a much more even tone.  "There was something on the news about muggings in Akihabara, so he wants Mayushii to be safe."

"Maybe some other time," I said, not taking my eyes off the multiple windows I had open.  I scribbled a few notes on one of the binders I had open beside me without looking.  "Kinda in the middle of something here."

"What on Earth is all this?" he said, leaning over my shoulder.  I brushed him back with an irritated wave.

"Just working on a project.  All that New Gen Murders stuff in Shibuya has gotten people talking, and then that weird earthquake just messed things up even more.  I wanted to see if I could find anything new.  It's pretty wild.  Some places are saying the quake pretty much leveled the entire district, others are saying it just rattled a few windows and people overreacted.  Even the news channels are saying a dozen different things."

"Hmf.  Trawling the net for rumors about a public disaster is no grand feat.  @channel has been buzzing with far more speculation than anyone could hope to take seriously."

"I'm not just rumor-hunting, Okabe," I said, swapping windows peevishly.  "Look here -- I've just been trawling the email server for NOZOMI, a company that's been nosediving ever since the incident.  There's some references that I think—"

"The server?"  He leaned in again, squinting at the screen.  "How on Earth would you get access to something like that?"

"No big feat," I said, only half-paying attention to him as I set up a new search expression.  "Their password security was a joke anyway -- I matched up one of their user accounts with an entry from a list of improperly hashed passwords someone hacked out of the Empire Sweeper Online servers.  Way too many people use the same password for everything."

Okabe reeled back, melodramatically stunned as you'd expect.  "You — you actually managed to hack your way into the network of a major corporation?  I'm stunned!  You're a true hacker — no, more than that, you are a supah hakka!!"

"Epic pronunciation fail,'" I said peevishly.  "Stop trying to get cute.  It's just peripheral servers and basic databases, anyway.  It's not like I'm hacking into the Pentagon or even JAXA.  But that's not the point.  I've been piecing a few things together from the emails and a few other sources.  Did you know that NOZOMI owns the company that makes Gero Kaerun?"

"Oooh!"  Mayuri looked a lot more interested in that than in anything else we'd been talking about.  "Does it say where they're selling them now?  I missed my chance to get Fatty Gero Kaerun, and I can't find it anywhere…"

"Nah, looks like they're ramping down production.  Their popularity's way down, anyway.  Most of the stores that sell them are closed for repairs right now.  Anyway, it's just one of like two dozen smaller companies they've got undeclared investments in.  And like three-quarters of them are toy companies or geek gadgets or fashion labels.  I know diversification's in these days, but you'd think if that was what they were after, they'd actually diversify more, instead of focusing on all these youth culture things.  I smell some kind of story there… dunno what, though."

Okabe suddenly whipped out his cell phone.  "Hello?  It's me.  I have received critically important information.  Surveillance subject code-name 'The Giant' has discovered possible connections between the Organization and NOZOMI.  They may be using it as a shell to hide their propaganda dissemination companies.  What?  Yes, understood.  This genius is too great a gift to waste.  I shall enact Operation Ymir at once!  Stay on guard.  El Psy Congroo."

I rolled my eyes at that, as always.  But Mayuri giggled, so I guess mission accomplished.  

He tucked his phone away again, and leaned in to talk to me.  "Daru.  Tell me… what is your reason for this?  Not just hacking into NOZOMI specifically, but exploring the darker side of the Internet in general?"

I shrugged.  "Eh, got to get my fun in where I can.  We've got a few more months of school, then maybe four years of college, and then it's into the daily grind.  I'm not always going to be able to stay up past midnight pinning down a cool new hack or finishing the hottest new game."

"Ooh?  What sort of job are you thinking of, Daru-kun?" Mayuri asked.

"I figure programming's probably what I'm most qualified for.  Erogames would be the absolute awesomest, but I figure there's a lot of competition there.   Might have to settle for some sort of job making spreadsheets or new phone apps or something.  It's not so bad.  I mean, coding's coding."

"Daru!  I refuse to accept this!  One of your skill is in no way meant for such a mundane life!"

"WTF are you talking about, dude?"

"Listen to yourself!  A mere white-collar coding job?  Hacking as a midnight recreational activity?  I say thee nay!  You could have — no, you _deserve_ — much more than that!  A place where your skills and enthusiasm can be leveraged to creative ends, ends that none but you and I could ever imagine!"

Shiina cocked her head.  "Mayushii doesn't get it, Okarin.  Creative levers?"

"Makes two of us, lady.  Seriously, if there were a job where I could just sit around futzing with my own pet projects all day, I'd take it in a picosecond.  But there ain't, so we've gotta deal."

Okabe slammed his hand down on my desk, pointing at me with his other hand.  "Or!  You have neglected another option.  If there is no such job — then it naturally falls on us to _create_ one!"

"What, you saying you're going to pay me?  I'll accept the going rate in erogames and cola."

"Wrong!  It is a far simpler and yet more epic goal than that!  The two of us — you with your computing mastery, me with my knowledge of the theoretical sciences, and the both of us with our engineering skills — will create a research laboratory of our own.  We will devise our own inventions — simple ones to begin with, growing ever more sophisticated as our skills increase.  And then we shall use our creations to destabilize the ruling structures of the world, leading to a grand chaos only the genius of a mad scientist could truly hope to take advantage of!"

"Oooh, can Mayushii play too?  It sounds like fun."

"Not interested, dude.  Some of us grew out of playing mad scientist in junior high.  I'm off to college, and I'm gonna be actually building a life there.  You want your own little secret clubhouse?  Fine.  I've got better things to do."

It was a good line.  I kind of left out the fact that 'better things' at the moment involved the new updated release of 'Cladandan' with the fan-made nude patch, but I think he got my meaning.

  

**May 9, 2010**   

Over the course of the past month, I've learned exactly one thing from college.  Specifically, that trying to be a suave independent college student is pretty much impossible when you're still living with your parents.  No space to do your own thing, to stay up past midnight hacking a new server or working on a stubborn block of code, to solder together a new board without getting told you'll burn the whole apartment building down, to play erogames without someone walking in on you.

I realized more and more that I needed a place where I could just be myself, where I could stay clear of parental meddling and outdated expectations, where I could just be my own man.

Unfortunately, I don't have any place like that, so as a last resort I'm going to check out Okarin's lame little clubhouse.

I glance down at the directions Mayuri wrote for me a couple months ago.  They're more than a little vague, but I think I've followed them right.  It's just that the shop I'm in front of doesn't look like a laboratory, even in the most delusional of terms.  It's one of the older shops from the days when Akihabara was the Electric Town, not the Moe Paradise.  It's dimly lit, dusty, and filled with old cathode ray tube televisions.  There's a big muscular bald guy in an apron sweeping the entryway as I get close.

"Oi," he says, leaning on the broom as he looks at me.  "You here to by a Braun tube?"

Braun tube?  I haven't heard them called that out loud before.  This guy must be an enthusiast.  "Nah, I'm just looking for some people I know.  I might have gotten the directions wrong…"

"If it's that scruffy geek with the lab coat and his little girlfriend, you're in the right place."  He jerks his thumb towards a small stairway off to the side of the shop, near the mailboxes.  "Door's on the right, one flight up.  Tell him he's late with this month's rent — again."

I head up.  The stairs aren't particularly well-lit.  Or all that clean.  The door at the top isn't locked, and I push it open with one hand,

It's basically a small apartment, when you get down to it.  Living room, kitchenette, bathroom, and I think there might be a small bedroom at the other end, blocked off by a big curtain.  It's barely furnished, just a rickety desk and chair, a musty old couch, a TV with the volume turned down low, showing some news report or another.  Nothing impressive.

"Daru-kun's here!"

I side-eye Mayuri a little.  She's sitting on the couch in the corner, doing some kind of knitting.  She waves to me, and does that little 'too-too-roo' thing she always does.  Still dunno what it means, but it's cute.

"Aha!  You have arrived at last!"  Okarin sweeps aside the curtain dramatically.  Given that it's just him there, in a dark little room with a workbench, I'm not all that impressed.  "Welcome, my comrade, to the Future Gadget Laboratory!"

"Big name for such a shabby place."

"Okarin said to look for more furniture out by the curbs.  Plenty of people are doing spring cleaning — we'll probably find a lot of stuff!"

"Enough, Mayuri — no need to bore Daru with matters of logistics for the moment.  I'm sure he's here for much more significant purposes!"

"Not really," I say.  "Just wanted to get the parental units out of my hair for a little while, and figured I'd see what you guys were up to."

"Heh heh heh.  Ah ha ha ha!"  Okarin does one of his characteristic maniacal laughs, and runs his fingers through his hair.  "It is well that you said that, for the answer is sure to shock you.  I have been working on a project of such genius it could never be reproduced!"

"Mayushii's been working on a RaiNet Battler costume!" Mayuri says, holding up the cloth she's knitting or stitching or whatever.  It looks pretty good.

"No, not that, my hostage.  Something far greater!  Behold!"  He's holding a ray gun — a cheesy plastic kids' toy you could pick up for a few hundred yen at any discount store.  Raising it high, he brings it down to aim straight at me.

"Now, see the power of the first fruits of the Future Gadget Laboratory:  Future Gadget #1, the 'Bit Particle Cannon!'"

He pulls the trigger with an audible click.

And the TV changes from the news to a variety show.

I slowly blink.  "You made a remote control?"

"Indeed — a remote control, packaged within the shell of a beam weapon modeled after those found in the classic series 'Mobile Brave Gunbam.'  A testament to my genius!"

"It's too bad it only makes the channel go up, though," Mayuri says.  "And it can't turn on the TV either."

"Lame," I say.

"Hmf.  I suppose you could do better, then, mighty Suppah Hakka?"  


"You're just saying it worse and worse each time, man."

"In any case, I look not to the past, but the future.  The development of Future Gadget #2, the 'Bamboo-copter Camera,' is already underway.  Perhaps you would dare to look upon it and see if you could possibly improve upon my genius?"

"Name like that, I dunno if there'd even be anything to improve on."  I flop down heavily in the desk chair.  It's a little flimsy, but it holds my weight.  It'll do.

"Look," I say, "I'm just here to say hi.  Needed to get out of the house for a little bit.  I'm not going to stay long, so don't get me tied up in your weird little delusions, okay?"

"Hah!  You say that now, Supah Hakkar, but you can't deny the magnetism that has drawn the three of us together."  He tugged the lapels of his lab coat, looking incredibly prideful.  "Daru, let us make this official.  As of today, you are Lab Member #003 of the Future Gadget Laboratory, the future masters of the world!"

"Hooray!"  Mayuri clapped eagerly, giving me one of those giant smiles I can't exactly resist.  I tug down the brim of my cap a little, averting my eyes.

"Mayuri!  This calls for a celebration!  Go fetch us victuals and beverages, so that we may feast!"

"I don't know if I can find any 'victuals.'  Is it okay if I just get Juicy Chicken Karaage Number One?"

"Yes, yes, of course.  Daru, how much cash do you have on hand?"

"What the hell, man?  You lure me in to your club and then make me pay for your lunches?"  But I'm already pulling out my wallet.  And I'm already looking over the empty space on the desk, thinking about what sort of effort it would take to get my computer here and wondering if it wouldn't be better to just scrounge up some parts and build one from scratch.

Yeah, okay.  Maybe I'll stay here.  Just for a bit.

Just until it stops feeling like home.


	4. #004 -- Atavistic Phylogeny

_ Makise Kurisu. _

_ Christina. _

_ Assistant. _

_ Lab Member #004. _

_ And a number of other nicknames that certainly don't need to be repeated in this context.  Or ever again. _

_ In a way, she was the center of all my time traveling adventures, or at least one of the centers.  Perhaps you could say that I was the one who acted, Kurisu was the one who made it possible for me to act, and Mayuri was the one who made it necessary to act.  Without Kurisu's expertise, we could never have converted the Microwave Ophone to the Time Leap Machine, and I would never have been able to save Mayuri's life.  And then, of course, Kurisu's death made the final journey necessary — the trip that saved her life and threaded the needle between α and β. _

_ Over the course of those adventures, I realized just how important all of my friends were to me.  But perhaps the strongest revelation came from my connection to a woman who I'd never even met before the whole matter began. _

_ Over a span of time that I can hardly measure — certainly more than the mere weeks it was on the calendar — I fell in love with Makise Kurisu. _

_ I didn't expect it, nor did I really know how to handle it at first.  Imagine, I, the great mad scientist Hououin Kyouma being at a loss for a proper response! _

_ But then, perhaps that's because it was a situation where Okabe Rintarou was needed, instead. _

_ Identity is a curious thing.  Playing one role, only to find it was driving away the ones it was meant to help. _

_ Regardless.  Even though Kurisu had to return to America, we have not been completely out of touch.  A vacation to visit her proved an interesting time, though one that in some aspects we might be better off forgetting.  But how could I forget? _

_ Especially because Christina will never let me live it down. _

 

**October 15, 2010, 11:47 PM**

"This was completely unnecessary, you know.  I'm certain I could have made it back to the convention center, or at least our original motel, on foot," he said as he followed me through the door.  "There is no path too long or too arduous for the great Hououin Kyouma to take!"

"Denied," I replied, tossing the keys onto the nightstand.  "You were in the middle of the desert, wearing a lab coat, with no water, having already been walking for who knows how long.  With nearly a hundred miles to go before you reached the convention center.  You'd have died of heatstroke sometime tomorrow, end of story."

"A— a hundred miles?  That's… Why, that's over a hundred and fifty kilometers!  That's like walking from Akihabara to Shizuoka!"

"You were on the road in that taxi for over three hours.  Even if half of that was in L.A. traffic, how far did you _think_ you had gone?"

"What prefecture are we in now?  Are we even still within the United States?  Has that devilish doppelgänger trapped me in Mexico or Canada without my passport?"

"State, not prefecture.  And we're still in California, genius."

"Aaaaugh — curse this wickedly huge country of yours!"

"Would it kill you to cut out the melodrama?  You're not impressing anybody."

"Ah, I see now.  It was all your plot from the beginning!"  He whirled around to point a finger at me.  "You couldn't be certain I would be isolated enough at the convention center or our original motel, so you sent her to lure me out here, then mysteriously 'forgot' your purse!  Why, even the pretense of 'running out of gas' -- that's nothing more than the old canard used to excuse a sordid make-out scene before the slasher arrives to do in the immoral youths he's targeted..."

"Oh, please."  I tried to put the strangely familiar image of making out with Okabe out of my head.  "Don't try to shift the blame.  Do you realize how much effort I put into tracking you down?  We were just lucky your friend Faris was able to find someone who'd seen what kind of cab you got into.  And even then it took me a whole hour on the phone to talk the dispatcher into putting me through to the cab driver, and another fifteen minutes after that to convince _him_ that I wasn't some sort of crazy stalker.  Is it any wonder that after all that I didn't think to go back to my hotel room for my purse?  Or stop for gas?"

"Ha!  You'd think I had been abducted, for all the panic you were in.   Were you aware of some sinister plot against me, one you had been alerted to but feared you would not be in time to prevent?"

"You're losing track of your ludicrous scenarios.  Am I supposed to be the conspirator here, or the hapless victim?"

"Can't you be both?"

"Ugh.  Look, it's not as big a deal as you're making it out to be.  We'll spend one night here.  In the morning, I can use the phone at the front desk to call Triple-A, and—"

"Triple-A?  You dare meddle with arcane sigils in this dire juncture?  Surely the Ancient Atlantean—"

"Again, epic fail.  It's just a driver's assistance organization.  It helps out stranded drivers like us — I've got my membership card in the glove compartment.  I'll call them, they'll bring us some gas or get us towed to the nearest gas station, and we'll probably be back in L.A. before noon.  End of story."

"And until then, we are stuck in this… motel."

"You're not going to start going on about slashers again, are you?"

"Hardly.  There's a more immediate concern that strikes me."

I look around the tiny, tiny room.  The largest I could afford with what little cash I'd had in the car.

"Who gets the bed, right?"

"Indeed."

"Since it's your fault that we're out here, and I'm paying for the room, and any man worthy of the name would sacrifice a little comfort for a woman he's inconvenienced, I get the bed.  You can sleep in the chair or something."

"You are a cruel, vicious woman, Christina."

"And you are an immature overgrown eighth-grade hipster.  Here.  Take the spare blanket and shut up.  I'm exhausted."

 

Half an hour later, in a room lit only by the street lights that kept the parking lot bright as day all night, in a bed that felt like it had been made of cardboard over a stack of wooden planks, I still couldn't sleep.

"FML…" I muttered.

"Mine as well," I heard from across the room.  I sat up a little.  Okabe was still curled up in the understuffed armchair that was the only other surface vaguely appropriate for sleeping in this room, if you didn't want to go into the bathroom and curl up in the shower.  Okabe had actually tried stretching out on the floor, but the carpeting evidently had the consistency of concrete.

"I think it's safe to say," he continued, "that this is the worst.  Vacation.  Ever."

"Of all time," I added.

"Heh.  @channer 'KuriGohan and Kamehameha' strikes again."

"Ugh.  I still don't know how you found that name."

"I've told you before.  In an alternate timeline—"

"Yeah, yeah, you saw my posts debating time travel and somehow made the connection."  I sighed.  If I'd known anyone was ever going to connect my screen name with my real life, I'd have picked one that had less embarrassing subtext.

"Largely, yes.  Though you did end up disclosing the name yourself in one timeline.  I disclosed mine in return, but you had already deduced that the one using the name 'Hououin Kyouma' was me."

"It's not exactly a huge leap."

"Perhaps you're right."

I shifted, trying to find a more comfortable position.  "I still find it all pretty hard to believe."

"Time travel?"  I could hear him shifting, too.  "I don't blame you.  If I hadn't lived through it myself, I'd scoff at the idea, too."

"I mean… There's probably _something_ going on, I'll admit that much.  The deja vu, those nicknames I knew, the fact that I recognized all your friends as soon as I met them, things like that — I at least won't say they're all coincidence.  But the rest of it…  making black holes with a microwave?  SERN as a world-conquering conspiracy?  Timelines that converge to inevitable events?  Those are big claims on relatively flimsy evidence."

"It took me a while to persuade you in the alternate world line, as well.  Even once we had completed a Time Leap Machine together, which allowed me to send my mind back in time, it was an ordeal to convince you it had actually worked each time.  Even with certain special code phrases you were sure would convince you they were messages from the future you."

"What on earth did I use for that?"

"The most prominent was something like, 'what you want most is your personal fork, since you already have your personal spoon.""

I sat bolt upright.  "You have got to be freaking kidding me!"

"Your reactions at the time were almost as dramatic," he said calmly.

"Ugh."  I tried to settle down in the covers — and tried hard not to blush.  Seriously, alternate universe me, what the hell were you thinking, saying something like that to him?

"I'll be honest," he said, "I wasn't expecting you to remember anything at all in this world line.  I presumed you'd go back to America without ever meeting me, and that would be the end of it.  And yet, somehow, you not only felt driven to stay, you remembered the nicknames you objected to, which I had never called you…"

"It just came to me in a flash.  You called me 'Christina,' and somehow I just tacked on 'assistant' to that without thinking," I said.  "It's not the only thing that's come back to me, either.  Things just... flash to me like that, when I'm caught up in something and just acting without forethought.  I'll remember how some tinkering I'm doing with lab equipment is just like the time I was working on that Time Leap headset, or I'll say something and remember it was just like something I heard Hashida say once -- and then remember that no, none of that ever happened.  It's like remembering something from a dream.  But once I've had the memory, it doesn't go away, like a dream would.  I can still remember it like I would anything else."

"I once thought I was unique for carrying memories between world lines," Okabe said.  "I dubbed it my ability -- Reading Steiner, the eye that pierces time.  But it turns out that, under the right circumstances, most or even all people can recall important memories.  Perhaps they even have an advantage over me -- I cannot remember the new timeline, the past events that cascaded from whatever change I made.  Whereas you remember not only the new timeline, but fragments of the old ones.  With time, perhaps you could remember all of the world lines you've been through, while I remain tied to the one."

"But you don't have to make any effort for it," I countered.  "If you didn't have this ability, you wouldn't have ever even known you could time travel.  You'd have been dumped into the alpha world line, and never thought it was odd that I hadn't died.  Might not have ever investigated things further.  We'd ultimately never have met."

"Heh.  What happened to the determined skeptic, Christina?  You're talking about this as if you believed it."

He turned his head to face me, catching his profile in the light of the street lamps slanting through the blinds.  My breath caught in my throat.  It was familiar… so familiar…

"I just… remembered something else."

"Oh?"

"Yeah," I said distantly.  "I remember the two of us, in… I think it was your little club room, over the TV shop.  The blinds were mostly closed.  I was looking at your face, and the lighting was so similar…"

And I remembered the touch of his lips.  The gentle electricity racing through my body as we kissed.  Fear and affection and love and nerves and anguish mixing together into one unforgettable hormonal cocktail.

"…A-and I said something about relativity theory, I think."  I'm blushing.  Can he see me blushing?  I hope he can't see me blushing.

"And we kissed," he said quietly.

Damn it.  Of course he'd remember.  Assuming there's anything real to this at all.

"I don't remember that part very well," I lied, looking down at the bedsheets.

"I can't help but doubt that, Assistant," he said.

"Really?  Why?  And don't call me your assistant."

"The incident of the kiss would have to have engraved itself into your mind.  It's hard to forget events in the short-term memory of the hippocampus when they're matched with strong emotions."  He coughed into his fist awkwardly.  "That, and Christina is a perverted virgin, so no doubt you did an elaborative rehearsal of your first kiss, instantly making it into a long-term memory you'll never—"

I cut him off with a pillow to the face.  Honestly I would have done it earlier, but it took me that long to get the pillow out from under the covers.  

"You idiot!  Who are you calling a pervert virgin?"

"Heh heh heh.  I could ask the same of you, Christina, for those were almost the exact words you used to justify the kiss in the first place!"

"Meaning I was describing you, no doubt."

"Urk."  He had no reply for that.  I looked away, solely because I was too furious to want to look at him.

It had nothing to do with the warmth I felt in my cheeks.

Who cares if I'm a virgin, anyway?  A lot of men would consider that a bonus!  And I'm not a pervert.  I'm not. 

I mean, sure, I've looked up sex tips on line a few times.  Everyone does that, especially if they want to eventually have a satisfying romantic life.  And maybe I've daydreamed about what it would feel like to have someone's stubble rubbing against my cheek as we embraced or kissed, but who cares about daydreams?  And I just happened to download a few questionable doujinshi a week or two ago, but that was for no other reason than to practice my Japanese in preparation for this visit.  Period.  The worst anyone could accuse me of is a little innocent, healthy curiosity.  And it's not like I'd ever act on any weird ideas I might have had, anyway.

Honest.

Even though I could see him over there with that twinkle in his eyes that had to be just reflected street lights, and the cocky smirk draining off of his face, leaving a flummoxed, thwarted look that made him look so vulnerable and so exposed, a look showing the raw emotions I could evoke from him, leaving him in the palm of my hand…

Damn.

"So… why was I so worked up to kiss a perverted virgin like you in the other timeline, then?" I ask, trying to get my mind off of what I'm seeing in him.

Wait, that was exactly the wrong question to get my mind off that topic.  Damn it.

"…I had confessed to you," he said.  "I was making what I believed would be my final change to history.  Changing a world where Mayuri died and SERN conquered into a world where Mayuri lived, and SERN was thwarted, but you died.  I thought I would never see you again.  And I didn't want to leave what I was feeling unsaid."

"And so you kissed me."

"Well… actually, I just said how I felt.  You… I think you couldn't find the words.  You asked me to close my eyes…"

I could see it.  Maybe I was just too tired, but I could envision it.  His uncertain look as he closed his eyes.  Me moving in close, standing on my tiptoes to reach.  And then…

It's not just the images I could remember, or the physical sensations.  I also felt a rush of emotion along with it.  Maybe it's just that I was so tired, but I suddenly felt exasperated affection, and shy longing, and fear of dying or vanishing or just losing him forever…  And the thrill, the tingle racing through my heart as my lips touch his, as I feel for the first time what it's like to kiss someone I love…

I opened my eyes again.

It looked like our theory was right.  My hippocampus was really working overtime that day.

"Yeah," I whispered.  "I remember."

"I… want you to know that I hold no expectations based on this," he said, turning away and lowering his head.  "You cannot be held accountable for the actions of your alternate self, for she went through experiences you did not, and you have had very different experiences in their place.  Though I still feel great affection for you, I do not truly expect it to be reciprocated."

His shields were slipping.  The mad scientist act, the melodrama…  He was still trying, but I could see the real person underneath, as I swung my legs off the side of the bed.

I knew I barely knew him in a real sense.  And again, maybe it was just that I was tired.  But I felt like I could understand the emotions of an infinite number of other Kurisus.  I felt like I knew him, I understood him, and…

I leaned over him, putting one hand on his arm.  He jerked, startled, and looked up into my eyes.  All defenses down.  The real person, Okabe Rintarou, and nobody else.  We looked deep into each other, coming to understand.

"I love you."

I'm not sure which one of us said it.  Maybe both.  It doesn't matter.

I leaned in closer.

I closed my eyes.

And I prepared to undergo an elaborative rehearsal, carefully transferring events from my short-term memory to long-term.

After all, I don't ever want to forget my second kiss.

 

**October 16, 2010, 8:16 AM**

"Aaugh, curse you, Christina, curse you!"

"Shut up, just shut up!"

We trudged down the highway in the hot morning sun together.  Me hobbling on a painfully sprained ankle, him sporting an extremely ugly black eye.  The manager had given us all kinds of funny looks as we checked out, which just made it even worse.

"If we'd just stopped the first time we fell out of bed, we wouldn't —"

"I said shut up!  This is all your fault, anyway," I snapped.  "If you weren't such a pervert—"

"Me?  You were the one who started undressing me!"

"But only after you — augh, I can't believe I'm even talking about this!"

For the record, everyone who's ever had a perfect, blissful, romantic first night together can go die in a fire.  Seriously.


	5. #005 -- Antiparasitoid Multithreading

_Since the establishment of Steins;Gate, I have been devoting a considerable fraction of my time attempting to reach out to Kiryuu Moeka._

_It has not been easy, in multiple different ways._

_Kiryuu Moeka retains the taciturn nature and concordant skill at speed-texting that earned her the epithet 'Shining Finger.' She is reluctant to socialize much in general, much less participate in the activities arranged by Future Gadget Laboratory. What little socialization she cares to do is often spent in the company of her new employer and his daughter, and they are disinclined to be charitable to me._

_Still, those are not insurmountable barriers. I have her email address, and the communication I have had with her has not been overly awkward on her part. Indeed, when I indulge her and communicate via text, she is almost overwhelmingly voluble._

_The larger problem is me._

_I look into the eyes of Kiryuu Moeka, and I see the woman who killed Mayuri._

_Not just once, but dozens of times. Many of which I saw in person. I remember the blood, the spattering cerebral matter, the light in Mayuri's eyes fading to nothing. I remember the gun, the car, all the ways she did it._

_And yet she didn't do it. Or at least, the version of her that exists now did not. This version of Shining Finger never found a solid lead on an IBN 5100, never learned of any time machine technology that would be worth stealing, and was never activated by SERN to raid the Future Gadget Laboratory. She has never killed anyone. I try to hold that in my mind. But she is not far different from the versions that did._

_She is still a Rounder. She would still kill anyone at the command of 'FB,' or to obtain an IBN 5100. FB's praise is all she lives for. And I do not use those words lightly – I know that without FB's feigned support, she would soon kill herself._

_I have every reason to dislike her. Yet what disturbs me more, in a way, is the fact that I don't. At worst, I pity her, but even that is perhaps too harsh a term for how I feel._

_I don't hate her. I can't hate her. I know she was just a pawn, a puppet to her own psychological problems – and the man who exploited them._

_But that's not the real reason I can't hate her._

_She's Lab Member #005._

_She's one of us._

_And no matter how much it pains me to remember Mayuri's death, I cannot forget the woman who crumbled at the loss of her mentor, the woman I staked out a coin locker with, the woman who slowly came to realize how badly she had been played by the one person she trusted most._

_So. Suffice it to say that my feelings towards Shining Finger are complex and conflicted, to say the least._

_But I have resolved not to stop trying._

 

`From: Nae-chan`  
`To: Moeka-san`  
`Rcvd: 12/25/10, 13:45:03`  
`Subj: New phone!`

Hi, Moeka-san! Guess wat! Daddy got me a new phone for Christmas! I'm still lrning to type with it! I wanted to tell u because ur always using ur fon. Happy Christmas!

 

`From: Kiryuu Moeka`  
`To: Tennouji Nae`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 13:45:37`  
`Subj: Re: New phone!`

Congratulations on your present! I hope your daddy got you a good model — there's all sorts of cheap ones out there that they try to foist off on customers this time of year. Come by the shop soon and I can show you some tricks with the phone, and load you up with some of the better free apps available. There should be quite a few useful to someone your age.     Moeka

 

`From: Nae-chan`  
`To: Moeka-san`  
`Rcvd: 12/25/10, 13:43:10`  
`Subj: Re: Re: New phone!`

Wow, you type fast, Moeka-san! I can't even get the kanji right. :-(

 

`From: Kiryuu Moeka`  
`To: Tennouji Nae`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 13:43:18`  
`Subj: Re: Re: Re: New phone!`

I'll teach you speed-typing tips too.     Moeka

 

`From: Hououin Kyouma`  
`To: Shining Finger`  
`Rcvd: 12/25/10, 13:47:10`  
`Subj: Christmas Party`

Shining Finger! You are hereby ordered to report to the Future Gadget Laboratory within the hour. The Christmas party is soon to begin, and all Lab Members currently in Tokyo are required to attend!

Bring food.

 

`From: Kiryuu Moeka`   
`To: Okabe Rintarou`   
`Sent: 12/25/10, 13:47:22`   
`Subj: Re: Christmas Party`

You don't actually have the right to order me around, you know. Currently I'm watching the shop downstairs, anyway, since the owner and Nae-chan are off Christmas shopping. Maybe you could drop me a plate out the window, lol.     Moeka

 

`From: Hououin Kyouma`  
`To: Shining Finger`  
`Rcvd: 12/25/10, 13:52:55`  
`Subj: Re: Re: Christmas Party`

No excuses! If necessary, Mr. Braun and Sister Braun can attend, though in doing so they forfeit all right to complain about our rent for one month. They will also be required to bring food.

Honestly, how many customers are apt to be buying Braun tube televisions on Christmas Day? Have you had a single person enter the shop even once today?

 

`From: M4`  
`To: FB`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 13:53:49`  
`Subj: Future Gadget Laboratory`

I've just received an invitation from FGL to attend a party at their headquarters. I know the investigation is still on hold, but should I take the opportunity to press them for any new information on the IBN 5100? It is entirely possible one or more may be drunk and willing to let further information slip. They remain the only strong lead I've found in this town.     M4

 

`From: Kiryuu Moeka`  
`To: Okabe Rintarou`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 13:54:13`  
`Subj: Re: Re: Re: Christmas Party`

Customers sighted today: zero. Customers expected today: zero. Customers appearing on any given average day: zero. (lol) But a job's a job!

I'll get in touch with the owner and see what he thinks. No guarantees, though.     Moeka

 

`From: Kiryuu Moeka`  
`To: Tennouji Yuugo`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 13:54:59`  
`Subj: Upstairs`

Your upstairs lodgers have invited us all to a Christmas party, and are urging me to close the store to attend. I know it's important to be open for enthusiasts, but with the chance of snow today, I don't know how likely it is that anybody will stop by. Do you want to come? Or I could hold down the fort until you get back.     Moeka

P. S.: If you do come, Okabe wants you to bring something to eat, lol.

 

`From: Hououin Kyouma`  
`To: Shining Finger`  
`Rcvd: 12/25/10, 14:05:01`  
`Subj: Re: Re: Re: Re: Christmas Party`

You subjugate your will to his? Unacceptable! You owe him no obeisance, and he cannot shackle you to your post. Prove your independence from him and strike out on your own!

And for that matter, come up here so I don't have to keep on messaging you like this. It's awkward and tiring!

 

`From: Kiryuu Moeka`  
`To: Okabe Rintarou`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 14:05:10`  
`Subj: Re: Re: Re: Re: Christmas Party`

Prove my independence by obeying you instead of him? Rofl! You're a weird guy, Okabe. Fun, sure, but weird. I like texting a lot more than I like talking, so there. Anyway, I like my job, even if it's kind of pointless. It's good having some structure to the day, and unlike *some* people, I have to earn my own money to survive. :p Regardless, probably he'll reply soon. I'll let you know as soon as he gets back to me.     Moeka

 

`From: Hououin Kyouma`  
`To: Shining Finger`  
`Rcvd: 12/25/10, 14:09:33`  
`Subj: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Christmas Par`

You wound me, Shining Finger, wound me to the core! Know that my financial dependence on familial ties will last only until the Future Gadget Laboratory deploys a profitable invention, or my hidden allies release the freeze the Organization has placed on our bank accounts. Then, the great mad scientist Hououin Kyouma will be free to stand alone on his own merits, towering over the puny trembling masses who remain lashed to society's conventions! When that day comes, will you be able to raise yourself to such heights, or will you remain a helpless damsel evermore?

 

`From: Kiryuu Moeka`  
`To: Okabe Rintarou`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 14:09:51`  
`Subj: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Christmas `

You use a lot of wild imagery, you know that? I don't wanna tower over anyone. I know you get a kick out of being the center of attention, but that's not me, you know? I like just being quiet and going with the flow. I like watching people go by, doing their thing. You learn all sorts of fun things that way. I'm not a leader, I'm not a spotlight hog, I'm just an observer, and I like it fine that way. There's nothing wrong with that.     Moeka

 

`From: Hououin Kyouma`  
`To: Shining Finger`  
`Rcvd: 12/25/10, 14:14:55`  
`Subj: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Christm`

There is nothing wrong with preferring a life in the shadows, but one must be quite careful in choosing such. The great men and women of the world need their diligent, loyal supporters to be able to do the things that make them great — but such great assistants are in short supply. More than one would-be mastermind has browbeaten a capable underling into losing faith in their own worth, the better to secure their helpless devotion. I've seen evidence of great capability in you, Shining Finger — I find it my obligation to make certain you aren't simply being pushed to the shadows by one who would steal the spotlight, and claim you're good for nothing more.

 

`From: Tennouji Yuugo`  
`To: Part-Timer`  
`Rcvd: 12/25/10, 14:15:22`  
`Subj: Re: Upstairs`

What the hell are those idiots up to now? Last time they had a party they ended up blowing the fuses for the whole building. Tell them no, and that if they break anything their rent's going up another 100,000 yen per month.

And no slacking off!

 

`From: Kiryuu Moeka`  
`To: Okabe Rintarou`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 14:15:37`  
`Subj: Christmas Party Shot Down!`

Bad luck for you — the boss is in a bad mood. The party's a no-go for me, and if you guys do any damage to anything, it's rent hike time again! Poor you. (lol) But I'm still down here, doing pretty much nothing and freezing my butt off with the door open like this (lol), so keep on texting! I need something to keep me entertained. And thanks for the concern. I really do like being the quiet observer, and I really don't think the manager's taking advantage of me. But it's sure something to think about. You sure you're not projecting? Feeling a little guilty about that cute 'Assistant' girl? >;)     Moeka

 

`From: Hououin Kyouma`  
`To: Shining Finger`  
`Rcvd: 12/25/10, 14:19:33`  
`Subj: Re: Christmas Party Shot Down!`

Curse Mister Braun, curse him! He is no proper father to Sister Braun, and no proper boss to you! Who would dare deny solace to those who are alone on such a merry day?

Also, I find it highly aggravating to carry out a text conversation with someone who's barely fifteen feet from me, accounting for vertical distance. You shall not hear from me again until you deign to come forth and address me verbally! The door is open, should you prefer to refrain from shouting.

 

`From: Kiryuu Moeka`  
`To: Okabe Rintarou`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 14:15:51`  
`Subj: Re: Re: Christmas Party Shot Down!`

Sorry, but rules are rules! And I find it more annoying to carry out a conversation by voice. I mean, you've seen me try before. (lol) So nope, not gonna happen.     Moeka

 

`From: Kiryuu Moeka`  
`To: Okabe Rintarou`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 14:18:49`  
`Subj: I can hear you`

I can hear you shouting from the window! It's really amusing, but you're not changing my mind any. Merry Christmas to you, though!     Moeka

 

`From: FB`  
`To: M4`  
`Rcvd: 12/25/10, 14:23:11`  
`Subj: Re: Future Gadget Laboratory`

My, you're certainly taking initiative now, aren't you, dear? That's so unlike you. Be honest, you just want to spend time with these people who've talked you into thinking they're your friends, don't you? You're so transparent sometimes, you know. Not that there's anything wrong with spending time with friends, but really, what do you have in common with them? Are you going to do anything you would like, or just sit in the corner while they talk about their hobbies and their little science-fiction games?

I do set the assignments for a reason, as well. There's very good cause for us not to be hunting for the computer at the moment — and knowing too much about why might be dangerous for you. Someday, circumstances will certainly change, and then you can get back to your job. But for now, be a good girl and just await further orders. This is a terribly busy time of year for me, for reasons you just can't be aware of, so I'm quite swamped even without having to hold your hand through such simple things.

Oh, and Merry Christmas to you, dear.

FB

 

`From: M4`  
`To: FB`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 14:25:37`  
`Subj: Re: Re: Future Gadget Laboratory`

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I know I'm kind of a burden sometimes, and I really appreciate how much you've done for me. How much you've been there for me. You're everything in the world to me, and I'd never want to make your life more difficult.

I really don't think the FGL people are just pretending, though. I know logically speaking you're probably right, but I really don't know if they could trick me that well. Mayuri especially is too simple and honest, and the others aren't really good at being subtle either. Maybe they're not the perfect friends for me, but I think they really like me, and I like being around them. And I know it would be hard to balance wanting to be around them with my Rounders work, but since I'm more or less on break for the moment, I thought it might be okay.

I guess it doesn't matter much, since my boss at my part-time job is keeping me on duty anyway. But I just really thought you'd be happier about me trying to make friends. I'm sorry if I'm getting something wrong.     M4

 

`From: FB`  
`To: M4`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 14:32:08`  
`Subj: Re: Re: Re: Future Gadget Laboratory`

We'll have to discuss this more later, dear, but certainly I think it would be a good thing if you made friends. But I look at how long you went without friends before I found you, and I certainly have to wonder if it would even be possible. It takes a special kind of person to have patience for you, and I don't know if a bunch of teenagers and college kids have the emotional maturity needed.

I'm currently caught up in real world matters, so I may be slow to respond, but know that you're still on my mind, and I hope things go well for you. I want you to make me proud, even though I know it's hard for you.

FB

 

`From: Nae-chan`  
`To: Moeka-san`  
`Rcvd: 12/25/10, 14:32:11`  
`Subj: SNOW@!`

Moekasan, its snowing here! Is it snowing bak at the shop?? Its so prety1 Dads still on his fone so i wanted 2 tell u..

 

`From: Kiryuu Moeka`  
`To: Tennouji Nae`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 14:32:17`  
`Subj: Re: SNOW@!`

Not yet, though it's cloudy here. I kinda hope it doesn't snow -- I'm stuck in the shop with the door open! (lol) Maybe I could get the guys upstairs to bring down some hot chocolate -- they're having a party.     Moeka

 

`From: Nae-chan`  
`To: Moeka-san`  
`Rcvd: 12/25/10, 14:33:46`  
`Subj: Re: Re: SNOW@!`

A party? You should go! I wish i were invitd. :( Kyomas wierd but there all fun.

 

`From: Kiryuu Moeka`  
`To: Tennouji Nae`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 14:33:59`  
`Subj: Re: Re: Re: SNOW@!`

We're all invited, but your daddy said no. And he's the boss, so there's no getting around it! It's okay. Maybe you could come by the shop a little later to keep me company? You're fun to have around, even if you're more of a chatterbox than me. ;)     Moeka

 

`From: Tennouji Yuugo`  
`To: Part-Timer`  
`Rcvd: 12/25/10, 14:40:03`  
`Subj: Re: Upstairs`

Nae suddenly started harassing me about that ridiculous Christmas party. Did you say something to her about it, you damned part-timer? You're so tight-lipped in person, why can't you be like that by mail, too?

We'll be there soon. Shut off the tubes and lock up the shop. Tell the idiots I'm just bringing beer for myself. They'd better have some snacks ready for Nae.

 

`From: Kiryuu Moeka`  
`To: Okabe Rintarou`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 14:40:23`  
`Subj: New plans`

Looks like the Grinch had a change of heart after all! (lol) You ever read that story? I hear it's better in English, but I'm not good enough to get it. Anyway, I'll be up in a few minutes, and the manager and Nae-chan will be along a while afterwards. He's not bringing much, but he wants you to provide snacks for Nae. So stingy! (lol) Hope the party's going well!     Moeka

 

`From: Nae-chan`  
`To: Moeka-san`  
`Rcvd: 12/25/10, 14:42:23`  
`Subj: Re: Re: Re: Re: SNOW@!`

Were coming! We're rlly coming!

Meri Chrismas Mkoea-san!

 

`From: Kiryuu Moeka`  
`To: Tennouji Nae`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 14:42:28`  
`Subj: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SNOW@!`

First priority on arrival: Typing lessons. ;)     Moeka

 

`From: Hououin Kyouma`  
`To: Shining Finger`  
`Rcvd: 12/25/10, 14:43:10`  
`Subj: Re: New plans`

I knew your persuasive talents were understated, Shining Finger. Well done! Rest assured all will be in readiness for Sister Braun's arrival.

Though if Mister Braun feels he can leech off of our festivity preparations just because he collects our rent, I suspect he will have a rude awakening in store. I will accept a child's dependence, but not a grown man who owns his own business! He will face the wrath of the Cursed Arm of the Demon Scrooge if he does not awaken to the spirit of the season!

 

`From: Kiryuu Moeka`  
`To: Okabe Rintarou`  
`Sent: 12/25/10, 14:43:50`  
`Subj: Re: Re: New plans`

I take no credit -- all I did was mention the party to Nae-chan. She badgered him into the rest. She's pretty persuasive! (lol)

Thanks for inviting me. See you in a few minutes. And in case I don't say it when I'm up there, Merry Christmas!

And no bullying my boss! (lol)

Moeka


	6. #006 -- Nondeterministic Dysmorphia

_Urushibara Ruka is the gentlest, purest image of femininity I have ever encountered. A pure Yamato maiden. When standing, a shakuyaku blossom; when sitting, a peony; when walking, a lily. Modest, graceful, and humble. A shrine maiden with a pure white heart._

_But he's a guy._

_Well, perhaps it's not that simple._

_In another timeline, when given the option to change one thing about his past, he chose to be born as a girl. It was his first and only thought, and we went to great trouble to devise a way to make it happen._

_Does that mean that, at heart, Rukako is a girl? Born with the unfortunate defect of a male body that doesn't suit her?_

_Quite probably. Rukako has always suffered harassment from being mistaken for a girl. If he were a man at heart, his true wish to change the timeline would likely have been to be born with a more masculine appearance, or to have his parents raise him to be more manly in dress and action. Instead, Rukako fled from masculinity entirely. Permitting the shift back to a timeline where Rukako was male-bodied seems to have been the hardest choice she ever made._

_So. Rukako is a girl._

_Probably._

_It was in an alternate timeline, after all. And both past and future have been changed since then, by the will of Steins;Gate. If a shift in world lines can change the sex of Rukako's body, another could surely change the gender of Rukako's mind. And even if it remains true in this timeline that Rukako's body and mind are mismatched, she might not have realized it yet. To have it pointed out by me might cause an adverse reaction and a desire to hide from the truth._

_Overall, I believe the best protocol to follow at this point is to simply leave things be. If Rukako is indeed a girl, she will come to the realization in her own time, at which point she may do whatever it is she feels proper to express her identity. Perhaps the Future Gadget Laboratory could develop something to aid her in that regard... I must give it some thought._

_Until then, Rukako is Rukako. No, more than that. Rukako is Lab Member #006. A fully-accredited colleague of the great Hououin Kyouma, bearer of the demon blade Samidare, shrine maiden with a mastery of exorcism, and wildly popular cross-dressing cosplayer. Urushibara Ruka. Rukako._

_Nothing more and nothing less. ___

__

__**December 18, 2010** _ _

__"I'm finished!"_ _

__Mayuri springs to her feet, holding up her latest project in triumph. She spins around, and it flutters through the air, catching the light and glittering in multiple places._ _

__I smile and clap for her. "Good job, Mayuri-san! I knew you could do it."_ _

__She turns to where I'm sitting on the couch and grins. "Hee hee. Thank you for being here to help me, Ruka-kun."_ _

__"Oh, no, I didn't do much," I protest. "I just held your extra fabric and thread a few times…"_ _

__"Hee hee. But Ruka-kun was always supporting me, and it's fun sewing and chatting at the same time!" She pushes it into my hands. "So what do you think?"_ _

__It's beautiful -- at first glance a traditional Santa outfit, bright red with white trimming, but it's the details that give it so much character. The white is a silky faux fur that glitters as it catches the light, as if each strand were a many-faceted jewel. Just above the lower hem she's stitched out simple designs in silver thread — curls and loops that crest into snowflakes or little ornaments. The black belt is rakishly tilted and ornamented with silver filigree. The neckline goes off the shoulders a little, but there's a beautiful matching stole that could cover as little or as much as the wearer feels comfortable with. And a series of beautiful silver buttons keep it closed in front, each engraved with a unique image of a snowflake._ _

__"Do you like it? Hey, Ruka-kun, do you like it? I've still got to finish the boots and put the bobble on the hat, but is it good?"_ _

__"It's beautiful," I breathe, not wanting to take my eyes off of it. I keep on stroking the fabric and the fur, enjoying their luxurious feel. "Could I see the pants? I'd love to try this on…"_ _

__"Oh, there's no pants," she says cheerily. "It's a minidress!"_ _

__"…Oh," I say, looking at it again. Now that I think about it, it looks like the fit would be too tight to comfortably wear pants underneath it. Or much of anything._ _

__It's really not a bad outfit, though. Maybe a little scandalous, but if I think about it, it's not that much more embarrassing than the outfit I wore to Mayuri's friends' cosplay event, or to the RaiNet tournament in America. It's stylish and, like anything Mayuri makes, really well-made._ _

__And the hemline will really flatter my legs._ _

__…I can't believe I just thought that._ _

__"Come on, Ruka-kun!" Mayuri says, tugging me to my feet. "Let's try it on to see how it fits! I want to get started if it needs any more work."_ _

__I let her tug me along. I don't really want to object too hard._ _

__That's the thing about Mayuri. When she's helping me… I always feel pretty._ _

__

__"Ninety-four. Ninety-five. Ninety-six…"_ _

__I owe Kyouma so much. He taught me the Seishin Zanma style. He gave me Samidare. He taught me how to be strong, and confident, and even though I still don't think I've really lived up to his lessons, he never stopped believing in me._ _

__That's why I'm standing in front of the shrine on a cold winter afternoon, practicing my sword skills. Because I want to live up to the faith he has in me, even if I know I'll never be as good as he thinks._ _

__He's standing off to one side, watching me with his arms folded and his lab coat flapping in the breeze. I always love the way the fabric flows around him — there's not many guys who wear long coats or other loose fabric around here, and I find it very a very eye-catching effect._ _

__"Harder! Put your back into your swing, my student!"_ _

__I'm already panting with the effort, but I do my best to comply, using my whole upper body like a lever to swing the sword. It feels like I'm just flailing, but I want to do my best. "Nine… ninety-seven…"_ _

__"Three more swings! You are not so weak that you cannot manage a mere three more swings! Summon the dual nature within you, miko of the gods and bearer of a demon blade, and let the conflict bear you up to new heights!"_ _

__I can barely hear what he's saying over the sound of blood rushing in my ears, but somehow it touches something deep inside of me. I don't know how, but I manage to lift Samidare up again, and bring it slicing down through the air with a whistling sound._ _

__"N-ninety-eight… Ni… nin… ninety-n…ine…"_ _

__My muscles are on fire. My fingers are numb. My vision is fading. Each breath of dry, cold air burns. But I can't let it stop me. I can't. I can't really tell if Samidare is still in my hands or not, but I lift it anyway, desperately hoping I won't fall over backwards, or drop the blade on me._ _

__I swing forward. Not just the blade, but my whole body. I'm falling. I can't stop myself, can't move my feet to steady myself or my arms to break the fall. The ground rushes towards me…_ _

__"One hundred."_ _

__I've stopped._ _

__I feel arms around me, holding my chest._ _

__Kyouma. Kyouma caught me._ _

__I hear a metallic clatter. Samidare. Falling to the ground._ _

__"Well done, Rukako. That was far from easy."_ _

__I can't say anything, because I can barely catch my breath. And having Kyouma's arms holding me tight, his mouth near my ear, isn't making it any easier._ _

__He supports me, walking me over to a nearby bench and helping me sit down. I feel him pressing the water bottle into my hands, and gratefully take a huge gulp. The cold water is bracing and refreshing — I feel myself reviving._ _

__"Th-thank you, Kyouma-san."_ _

__"You seem troubled today," he says, resting a hand on my shoulder._ _

__"Eh? How can you tell?" I'm already flushed with the heat of my exertions against the cool air, but I feel like I'd be blushing anyway._ _

__"Your sword form was all over the place, in a manner unbefitting to a master of Seishin Zanma and an aspirant to the hidden levels. You were clearly struggling against yourself, in some manner of deep internal conflict."_ _

__"Oh." I guess I really am that obvious._ _

__"Also, you always work hard, but today you had a fierce intensity to you that isn't common." He looked over at me. "Rukako, you need not share the turmoil deep within you if you do not wish to. But know that you will always have my support. And know that you have proven your strength many times over."_ _

__I shake my head. "You're… you're so nice to me, Kyouma-san. But I'm not all that strong. Look how tired I am, just from a little exercise."_ _

__"Do not disparage yourself so! The training I have been putting you through is anything but easy. If you were to compare your physical fitness today with its state one year ago, you would be astonished, I am certain. But I spoke not solely about your bodily condition!"_ _

__He suddenly rockets to his feet, flinging one arm out. I never get used to how he does that, even though I've seen it so many time. It always sets my heart racing._ _

__"Urushibara Rukako! Over the course of your training, you have not just been strengthening your body, but your spirit as well! You have gained an iron will, forcing yourself to overcome exhaustion and pain to endure your exercises to the end! A lesser warrior would give in under the strain and stress you have put yourself through. But in all the time I have been training you, you have never once shirked your regimen! Whether it was ten strikes as a frail novice, or a hundred full body lunges today, you have always done them all, even if you were on the verge of passing out by the end."_ _

__Is that really true? I can't quite remember. I feel like there must have been times when I was too weak to go on… but I have always tried my hardest. I never wanted to disappoint Kyouma-san._ _

__"Your spirit is strong enough to overcome both the fiercest demons of Hell and your own doubts. Never forget what you have accomplished! Never forget the fierce training you have withstood and the spiritual mastery over demons you have proven. Never forget the sacrifices you have made."_ _

__The volume of his voice drops a little on those last words, and it gives me a little flash of deja vu. I don't know why, but I have this image of him all dressed up formally, walking me around town awkwardly — and then the two of us training together. I'm wearing a dress, I think. I'm even more feminine than usual, and yet it feels so right. Somehow, it feels like a date…_ _

__I'm sure I'm blushing now. And I don't know why._ _

__"I'm going to be trying a new costume at the Christmas party," I blurt out, desperate for something to say._ _

__"Oh? The one Mayuri's been working on all this time?"_ _

__"Uh-huh." I nod, keeping my eyes down, not looking at him._ _

__"You know, I've never seen you cosplay in person before. You even made me promise to stay away from the masquerade show at the RaiNet convention."_ _

__"Yes, well, um… It's a really nice costume. I think it looks pretty, well… cute? And I, um… I'd sort of be happy if you got the chance to see it."_ _

__What am I even saying? I just… I mean, it would be nice if Kyouma-san thought I was pretty, but — no, I shouldn't even be thinking something like that! I've got my head bowed, clutching my hands together with anxious embarrassment, and I can barely summon the strength to peek up to see how Kyouma-san is taking it._ _

__He's smiling._ _

__Just a gentle, understanding smile._ _

__He puts his hand on my shoulder. "It will be an honor to see it, Rukako. Between Mayuri's skill with the needle and your natural aptitude for modeling, it will be a sight to treasure."_ _

__I melt inside._ _

__I can suddenly feel tears in my eyes, and I hastily wipe them away, hoping desperately that he didn't notice. "Th-thank you, Kyouma-san," I say._ _

__"Too meek, Rukako, too meek! You need great pride in order to wear Mayuri's dress and bring out its fullest potential! Stand up and call out proudly! Show the strength you have grown within you and belt out our secret incantation!"_ _

__"Ah, ah, yes!" I bolt to my feet, not even feeling wobbly for a moment, until the ache in my legs catches up with me. "Uh, um… El Psy… um, Comima?"_ _

__"Kongroo, Rukako, Kongroo!"_ _

__I just have to giggle._ _

__I don't know why I have all these strange thoughts when Kyouma-san is around. But somehow, I'm glad I do. Somehow, he always knows how to make me feel a little better about myself. Eventually, I know, I'm going to have to stand on my own._ _

__But I know that until then, I'll always have him to pull me up._ _

__And I'll always be so grateful._ _


	7. #007 -- Sociology of Mimesis

_I gravely regret many of the things that were necessary to establish Steins;Gate. Not enough to make me lament that it has come to pass – I would never regret saving the world from the dark attractor fields that led to such tragedy – but enough that I must acknowledge the pains along with the joys._

_I regret most having to shatter the bliss that several of the Lab Members found using the power of the D-Mail. Each of them seemed to lead us closer to the core world line of the α attractor field, which is a conundrum worthy of some thought – was it the case that the platonic ideal of α had an Akihabara without moe shops, or a female heir to the Yanabayashi Shrine? Or were there other factors involved?_

_Regardless, to escape the α attractor field, I had to undo each of those changes. Amane Suzuha lost the chance to find her father. Urushibara Ruka lost her chance to be a woman. And Faris NyanNyan (secret true name Akiha Rumiho) lost her father. Which, in fact, means that Akiha Yukitaka lost his life._

_I did not kill him with my own hands. But does the man who bars the door to doctors bear responsibility for the death of their patient? I cannot help but feel it is so. And thus I, who foiled Akiha Rumiho's attempt to save him, cannot avoid this truth._

_I saved the life of Shiina Mayuri. I saved the life of Makise Kurisu. But in doing so, I killed Akiha Yukitaka. And that is something I can never take back. In this world line, without functional time travel, there is no way to go back and save him – and the mere attempt would likely rip the world out of Steins;Gate and cast it back into the doom of the α timeline._

_Was it worth it? There's the rub. My efforts saved the world from SERN's conquest, and also from World War III. No doubt thousands — no, millions, if not billions — of people will live in Steins;Gate who would have died in the other world lines. But once you start down the path of accepting the sacrifice of one innocent to save other lives, where does it end? Is there a safe boundary to be found there, or have I stepped onto a path where all that separates me from SERN is a matter of degree?_

_I don't know, and it haunts me. And I fear that I cannot truly look to Faris for help in sorting out my feelings in this matter. Of all the members of the Future Gadget Laboratory, I feel that in some ways, Faris NyanNyan is the most skilled at hiding her true self. And I say that even knowing that her competition includes a secret agent of an international conspiracy and a time traveler who avoided all suspicion as she intruded into the past._

_She seems a very open and straightforward girl. She puts little deliberation or artifice into her speech, jumping into any conversation with enthusiasm and verve. But the content of her contributions sometimes puzzles me. Does she truly believe the nonsense she often spouts, stories of hidden emperors and magic spells? Or is it all play to her, a way to liven up the oft-drear reality around her? I cannot tell -- and I of all people ought to be able to discern the difference._

_She is an avid participant in the activities of the Future Gadget Laboratory, although often too busy with her work and her newfound enthusiasm for RaiNet tournaments to join us. Her ideas are frequently useful, and she has supported us in such ventures as our expedition to America. She was partial inspiration for one of the devices currently under development: Future Gadget #9, 'The Morphogenic Funyarinpa.' Using advanced technology contained within a novelty set of cat ears that change position in response to the user's brainwaves, we hope to gain the power to beam both feelings and intuitive solutions to crises from one brain to another, via direct connection or Wi-Fi. Results are as yet inconclusive._

_Her openness in itself serves as a wall, sometimes. What lies behind the bubbly cheerfulness and exuberant playfulness she shows so eagerly to the world? Is it her true heart, or a shield she uses to avoid confrontation? I don't know. I don't even know if she knows — for all I know, her heart is hidden even from herself. I hope to find out some day. I continue to attempt to bridge the gap between us, playing along with her and accompanying her to certain of her events._

_I suspect her to be a very complicated person. It takes great complexity to seem that simple, and I may have had a glimpse underneath by interacting with her alternate timeline selves. But in the end, there's only one thing I can say for sure about her. And that is that she is one of us. She is Akiha Rumiho, Faris NyanNyan. Lab Member #007. That will have to be enough._

 

**December 20, 2010**

"Okaaaay, time for Faris to hang up the apron for today!"

All the boys in the cafe groan in unison -- a collective 'awwww' that just tickles me. It's nice to be cared about. "Nyaow, nyaow, boys, don't worry. Mayushii's still here, and it's only an hour until Fubikin and Kae-chan get here! You can't be greedy -- all four of us at once would be too much for you!"

Daru-kun happens to be at the table right next to me, and he swallows hard. "S-say that again, only more breathy," he says to me.

I wink at him, and it's soooooo cute the way he blushes. I don't know if he even realizes he's doing it! "Daru-kun, you're such a naughty boy! Just settle down — Faris-chan will be back to play with you tomorrow!"

It's so fun working at the cafe. Everyone likes me, and I love everyone who shows up there. The boys, the girls, the handsome ones, the goofy ones, the people who need more love and the people who are just there to gawk. It doesn't matter who they are or why they're there, I love them all. I give Mayushii a quick hug as I'm leaving, and set out onto the beautiful grimy noisy wonderful streets of Tokyo's foremost moe town.

Home isn't all that far away. Akihabara isn't a huge place, after all. Sometimes I take the subway, but it's really almost as quick to walk, since I can go more directly. I enjoy watching the crowds as I walk home, anyway. Who notices me? Who thinks I'm adorably moe? Who's turned on? Who likes the costume? Who doesn't see me at all, distracted by other things, or just not interested?

I also like seeing the stores and the billboards and the cute girls on the corners in costume, handing out packets of tissue with ads printed on them. The life of the town — people and ideas flowing back and forth and changing every single day. It's the sort of thing you can't see just by looking at Akihabara from afar — you've got to be among the crowd, immerse yourself in the flow, to really know just how the place is alive.

It keeps me in a good mood today. Which I really need. The evening's going to suck.

Into the lobby, up the elevator, to the brilliant view of the penthouse windows. "I'm home!" There's nobody to hear me today — it's the butler's day off — but I say it anyway as I step in the door, then walk over to the windows. Akihabara looks different from up here. It's less intimate, but it can help to see how things are put together. Stores that are a ten minute walk from each other due to the winding of the streets are just on the opposite sides of a wall from up here. Lights and crowds and brilliant colors all blend together. Some nights I like to just stand up here in the windows and watch the brilliant veins flow between the dark rooftops.

Akihabara is, if you wanna look at it this way, my town. Not just because I own a lot of the land, though I can't deny that, but more because I care about it so much. And when you look at it that way, it's my town and Mayushii's town and Daru's town and so many other people's, too. Because it's people, and the love they put into a place, that makes a town more than just a collection of buildings.

I take a last loving look down at the town. I could watch its flow for hours… but right now I've got something I need to do.

My closet is awesome. I've put in a lot of effort to make sure it is. Pretty dresses of all kinds, lots of neat accessories, and I hardly even need to mention the shoes. It's a walk-in, with two separate sections divided by a massive double-sided bureau with oh so many drawers for smaller items that don't need to be hung up. There's maid outfits, kitty outfits, RaiNet cosplay, fancy dress ball gowns, slinky seductive outfits -- every kind of cosplay I've ever loved.

But of course, I don't have time for that kind of cosplay right now.

It's time for Faris-chan's least favorite cosplay of all.

I take a deep breath and take off my ears.

I hate having to hide like this. But property development corporations and the Tokyo zoning board don't like dealing with Faris NyanNyan. They always want to talk to Akiha Rumiho instead. They're so dull. And if I showed up to a business meeting with my kitty ears or a maid outfit or a sexy RaiNet costume, they wouldn't take me seriously at all.

So I've got to get rid of it all.

Off with the black vest. Off with the white frilly apron underneath it. Undo the red string tie around my neck; remove it and the choker. Undo the straps on the black high heels and put them carefully alongside the others lining the closet. The lacy wristband's next... and then the wig, carefully returned to its stand. Unpin the hair from underneath, let it fall naturally. Then the white blouse, and the black skirt. Stripping off layers of Faris NyanNyan. The white petticoats. The black pantyhose. The fancy black push-up bra. The cute kitty underpants. Nothing left. I stand bare for a moment in my walk-in closet, without any identity left over my naked body.

And then I rebuild myself. Underwear first – a neutral cream in color, tailored to be neither too racy nor too conservative; the bra flattering but minimizing. Then a simple cream camisole and slip, to avoid anything showing through or causing lines. Stockings a little darker than my flesh tone. A white blouse, simpler than the one for the maid outfit, without any ruffles or lace. Charcoal grey pencil skirt. Matching jacket, with very subtle shoulder padding. Earrings – simple, small diamond studs today. My watch – a designer piece of jewelry that doubles as a thin gold bracelet. Wine-red pumps.

I check my makeup in the mirror. I don't use much for the cafe, but it's still sometimes a little too much for professional work. But today I deliberately minimized it before I went out, and it looks okay. I touch it up a little anyway, using a little concealer to smooth the edges. I brush my hair, smoothing it out after a long day under the wig. I consider my array of purses before reluctantly deciding that the amount of paperwork today calls for a briefcase instead.

Akiha Rumiho, businesswoman, scion to the Akiha family, owner of most of the land in the Akihabara district, and one of the top ten real estate barons in Tokyo, looks out at me from the mirror. 

I look back at her, feeling the same grey disappointment I do every time I see this outfit.

It's a costume like any other. But it's not one I like at all. When I look in the mirror, I see a sophisticated, mature, elegant businesswoman, serious and devoted to her work.

I don't see me at all.

It does the job, though. I even think a little differently when I'm wearing this costume. I'm less cheery, more focused. Less exuberant, more predatory. Sometimes I try to think of it as being a cat on the prowl, hunting for favorable results with businessmen as my mice, but it never really sticks.

Mayushii's so lucky. She never has to be anyone but herself. She dresses up for work, and wears a uniform to school, and dresses casually to hang out with Kyouma and Daru and the others, but it doesn't affect how she comes across one bit, much less how she really feels deep inside. I can talk to Mayushii at work, or Mayushii in Kyouma's cute little lab, or Mayushii at home, and it's all just the same Mayushii. She's a very honest and open person. At peace with herself. And totally free.

Time to go. I check the contents of my briefcase one last time, snap it shut, and head to the door. I stop at the side table there to pick up my keys, and blow a kiss to the photo there.

"Bye, daddy," I say, pressing my fingers to the glass. "I love you."

 

I step out of the building into the bright sunlight of a beautiful Akihabara afternoon. All around me, I can hear the beautiful sounds of this most moe of towns — the electronic jingles from the storefronts, the calls of the tissue-distribution girls as they hawk cafes and manga stores and hostess clubs. It doesn't do as much to cheer me as it should, though.

"Well, well. Could this really be the famed Faris NyanNyan? Your camouflage is impressive, queen of RaiNet Battlers! Do you flee from some enemy?"

My ears perk up, even though I'm not wearing them. I turn around, and there behind me is a wonderfully familiar scruffy figure in a slightly dingy lab coat. "Kyouma-san! How did you recognize me?"

"Hah. Don't flatter yourself, girl. No mortal disguise could hide your true heart from this cursed Spectral Eye of mine. At full power, it could discern a princess transformed into the most savage of beasts -- a mere suit of human clothes could never conceal you!"

I impulsively leap over and give him a quick hug. "Nya! Kyouma-san is so incredibly powerful! I wish I could bring you with me to battle my latest enemy!"

He tenses up a little at the hug, but doesn't push me away. Progress! He always used to be so stiff and so hard to play with. Ever since he invited me to join his Lab full-time, he's been a lot better about that. I let go before too long -- I don't want to get him too antsy.

He clears his throat. "You face enemies once again, then? Surely you have already struck down the Four Dark Riders of RaiNet..."

"Uh-huh! The tournament went super-awesome! But I was traced to my home by the X Agents of the Pluton Council, and if I want any chance to survive, Faris NyanNyan must infiltrate their wicked skyscraper and face them in a duel of wits!"

He gasps. "Not the Black Tower of the Invisible Hand?!"

"The very same! Guarded by the Four Gods of the Cardinal Points…"

"Ah, you show a grave misunderstanding there, Faris NyanNyan. For in naming only the Four Gods, you neglect the presence of their shadowed brother, the Golden God of the Center, who is sure to be waiting for you as soon as you feel you have finished the other four off. Yet he is more powerful than all his brothers combined…"

"Nyaa! Oh my! I didn't even know — he must have clouded my mind with some sort of Manifest Delusion technology! Thank you so much, Kyouma — nyaow I'll be prepared for him!"

"Hmf — think nothing of it. I can't have a lab member fall to so dishonorable a foe. Just promise me that in your struggle, you will come out triumphant, and bring glory to the name of the Future Gadget Laboratory!"

I give him a perky little salute. "With your blessing hovering over me, I'm sure I'll win the day, and save the mystic kingdom from all their serpentine ways!"

"Good! I shan't keep you further. But I wanted to inform you — there is a Christmas party to be held at the Laboratory, and attendance is, of course, mandatory."

"A Christmas party? But isn't Christmas a time to go out with that special somebody? Don't tell me you don't have a date, Kyouma!"

He coughs into his sleeve. "That's of no consequence. Besides, traditionally the time for dating is Christmas Eve, is it not? A party on Christmas Day can serve as solace for the lovelorn, or a time for even those in love to connect with friends and family! Why, in the West, Christmas celebrations are grand ceremonial masses where people from all across their nation are drawn together to worship around the bases of hallowed trees, and summon angels to grant them wings, and receive the legendary Gifts of the Magus in exchange!"

"Oooh, is that really how it goes? That sounds soooo much cooler than just going out on dates."

"As I understand it. It might be possible to quibble over details. But regardless! The Future Gadget Laboratory Operation: Nicholas is underway! Will you commit to attending, Lab Member #007?"

"You can count on me! Oooh, I should bring something — is anyone doing ice cream yet? There's this great little store around—"

"Enough! I leave the plans to you, Covert Business Mistress. Anything you can bring will contribute greatly to the success of our operation. But for now, don't you have somewhere to be?"

And thus am I shooed out of the great Hououin Kyouma's afternoon.

But as I walk, I'm feeling a whole lot better.

So much so that, at the next corner, I put my briefcase on a nearby bench and open it up to retrieve just a certain little something. I don't even really think about it when I'm switching between bags any more — it just goes along with my wallet and my makeup and my phone and all the other little things you keep in your purse.

I sometimes wear it at the cafe. I never wear it to business meetings. But you know what? This time, why not?

I pin the little badge Kyouma gave me — the emblem of the Future Gadget Lab — to my lapel. I wear it proudly.

Because even in cosplay I hate, there's no reason to completely leave behind what I love.


	8. #008 -- Atemporal Epitaxy

_In the future, there may or may not be an Amane Suzuha._

_When matters settled down after my successful crossing to Steins;Gate, I made every attempt to track down all the lab members of the Future Gadget Laboratory. I was quickly successful in all cases but one. For that one, I had only one potential lead, and the results were not promising._

_I've checked message board archives and old publications, and there are no records of a 'John Titor' ever posting to the Internet – not to @channel in 2010, not to local bulletin boards and forums in 2000. The books I originally had in the β world line are gone, as are the mails I received to my phone in the α world line. In Steins;Gate, John Titor never existed._

_Well, naturally. Because time travel will never exist. If time travel existed, it would inevitably lead to one of the two dystopian futures the Part-Time Warrior worked so hard to prevent. Either word of it would inevitably reach SERN, and they would seize it to create their own dystopia, or it would be revealed to the world, and a war for control of it would decimate humanity. Upon the successful creation of Steins;Gate, Daru and I destroyed the Microwave Ophone (Temp, Discontinued), and deleted all our designs and notes for it. The sparse instances of time travel that created this timeline were the last that will ever occur._

_In a way, I have Suzuha to thank for the fact that I was able to return from the α timeline to the β timeline at all. My final jump, after all, did not make use of a D-Mail or the Time Leap Machine. All we did was delete the record of my first D-Mail from the Echelon servers at SERN. That didn't change the past one bit._

_But without that record, SERN had no idea we had made a time machine. They had no reason to search for it. And so there was no way, even by the sheerest coincidence, that they could trace us down and gain the knowledge needed to make their own._

_And without their own time machine, SERN could not create its dystopia. And without that dystopia, Amane Suzuha would never come back to prevent it — jumping not only to the year 2010, but to 1975, in search of the IBN 5100. And so history was changed, as far back as that — because any other result was logically incoherent._

_We were able to change the past by changing the present, because she came to us from the future._

_She saved us, and yet I cannot thank her or be there for her. She is the one lab member I have been unable to reestablish contact with. And that is because she is not even born yet. If she ever will be at all._

_I feel regret that I cannot fully complete this series of journals. The Part-Time Warrior was a friend, however briefly – and more importantly, she was a vital member of Future Gadget Laboratory. Without closure on her, I cannot truly consider myself satisfied._

_Still. Perhaps someday..._

 

**0.571020?**

"Whoa! It really moves!"

In the dream, I leaned on the table, watching in amazement. It was a little robot, not really more than a toy. But it was the most amazing thing I'd seen in my life. The lady in the red overalls was using a remote control to make it walk around, lift its arms, and even wave to me.

"That's right!" she said. "His name's 'Tanegashi Machine Proto-03,' and he's happy to meet you!" She twitched the controls, and the robot twirled around and saluted.

"Let me try! Let me try!"

"Sure!" she said, handing me the remote. "Careful — it's got a lot of levers and buttons, and it's not very intuitive. I really need to figure out a better interface one of these days."

I poked at it a little, and was rewarded with it spinning out and clattering to the ground. I giggled, then picked it up and started trying again.

"This is so cool," I said. "I've never met anyone who made robots before."

"It's not surprising," she said sadly. "Robotics development has been stagnating for more than ten years now. Since before you were born. Government funding's gone to other research projects, universities have switched their focuses to other branches of science — it's like every major scientific institution in the world decided it had better things to do than make robots."   
"That's sad."

"Isn't it? When I was I a kid, robots were the next big thing. Everyone wanted to build one! And then things just… stopped. If we'd just put a little more effort into it, I bet we'd have something as good as GUNVARREL by now, or at least something close!"

"What's Gunvarrel?"

She gasped, though I think she was exaggerating a little for my sake. "You've never heard of GUNVARREL? It was only the greatest giant robot anime of all time! It was cancelled after just one season, but in that season, they managed to pack in all the things that make robot stories great — the drama, the passion, the friendship, the challenges, and of course the really big robots stomping all over everything!" She sighed. "I guess it was a bit before your time, though."

"I guess." I pushed the thumbsticks on the remote, and was rewarded with Proto-03 suddenly zipping forward on its motorized foot-wheels. "I never watch all that much TV."

"I've still got the videos around somewhere. Maybe you could… could…"

She trailed off. When I looked over at her, she was standing stock-still, one hand partially reaching out, staring at nothing. Like she was paralyzed.

I'd been worried the first time I saw this happen, but not any more. She said it was just that she was kind of sick. Every once in a while, she'd sort of pass out, for exactly five minutes. Nobody knew why.

I just kept an eye on her while I was playing with Proto-03, to make sure she didn't fall over or anything. It was funny -- I never thought I'd get to be friends with a grown-up when we moved here. Ever since Papa left, Mama and I had been moving around a lot, never getting to know people too well. I'd made a couple of friends at school, but I didn't really try too hard to get to know them any more. It wasn't like I'd know them for even a whole school year most of the time.

But here in Tanegashima, Mama had sent me out to get the radio repaired one day, and Senomiya-san, who owned the repair shop, had shown me one of the robots she was working on. And I'd kept on coming back, because she actually wanted to talk to me about them, not just say I was a kid who couldn't understand.

So it was okay if she was sick in a weird way. It was nice that I could be there to help. And I got to do fun things like play with Proto-03.

She finally started to move again, wobbling a little and bracing herself on the table. "Whoa. That was a bad one. Everything okay, Suzuha-chan?"   
"Uh-huh. You just stood there, and I was just playing with Proto-03."

"Phew. That's a relief. I'll tell you, it's not easy to live with this sometimes. There was this one time I was working on soldering a new leg piece together when I got an attack. By the time I woke up, half the room was on fire. I was really lucky I was able to get to the fire extinguisher in time."

"That's awful!" I said. I looked at Proto-03 doubtfully. "Maybe you shouldn't be doing this, then. I mean, sure it's neat, but nobody's helping you, you said, and if it's gonna be so dangerous…"

"No way! I mean, yes, it's hard, but that's why it's worth doing!"

She whipped out a pair of glasses from her pocket and put them on, letting them reflect the light. "'If there's a wall in our way, then we smash it down! If there isn't a path, then we carve one with our own hands!'" She put one hand on her hip, and raised the other high, pointing at the sky. "'If you're gonna dig, dig to the heavens! No matter what's in my way, I won't stop! Once I've dug through, it means that I've won!'"

I laughed and clapped. She took off the glasses and bowed with a flourish. "Heh, thanks. My point is that I can't stop just because it's hard. Nobody offered classes in robotics in high school, so I studied science hard, and joined the machine shop club after school. Nobody offered a degree in robotics at any college I could get into, so I got degrees in electrical and mechanical engineering instead, and started working on how to adapt what I learned there into robot designs on my own. And I couldn't get a job working on robots anywhere, so I came back to my hometown and got a job here at the electronics repair shop, instead, which got me easy access to a whole lot of parts and tools I can use to experiment with."

"You must love robots a lot."

"I do. But I sort of thing it's more that I love what robots represent to me. They—"

"Whoa!" I must have pressed the wrong thing, because suddenly Proto-03 dropped onto its back and started skidding around. Before I knew it, it had rolled completely off the table. I flinched as it hit the hard cement with a crack. Its head bounced across the floor and rolled under the table.

"Oh, no! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I dove to my hands and knees, scrabbling under the table to find the head. It looked bad — dented in one spot, and with a completely broken metal rod in the neck. I looked up at Senomiya-san in a panic.

She didn't look too distraught, though. "It's okay, Suzuha-chan, really! Here, let me take a look at that." She picked up the body in one hand and took the head from me with the other, and examined them. "Oh, this isn't bad at all. We just need a new central neck support rod, and then it's just a few plastic panels on the outside. Here, come on, you can help me if you want to."

She rummaged around in the drawers under the counter while I pulled up a stool. I was so glad she wasn't mad at me. "It's really going to be okay?"

"Sure is," she said. "It'll just take a little elbow grease. If the two of us work together, it'll be fixed in no time at all!"

She took a screwdriver and handed it to me, then put the head in front of me. "Here, start prying the dented panel off, and that should actually expose just the right screw. Undo it and you should be able to get the neck rod out pretty easily. I'll start working on the body, and then I'll show you how to put things back together.

I wedged the screwdriver under the little plastic head panel and started prying. It felt good, being right by her side as she worked. "I wish Papa liked robots," I said. Almost immediately I realized I shouldn't have said it. 

"Really? Why?" I guess she didn't realize what I'd meant. But… I didn't want to try to cover it up. I mean, I trusted Senomiya-san. If anyone would understand…

"I almost never see Papa," I said reluctantly. "I haven't seen him at all in years and years. I remember him a tiny bit, from when I was just a little kid, but he never comes to see me. He's just busy working on his science stuff all the time." I pulled harder at the panel — it seemed like it was stuck. "He only cares about his science stuff. Research and building weird machines, and never anything fun like robots, either. Never anything he can do with me. I… I wish he didn't like science at all."

The panel suddenly gave way with a pop, and flew past my face, landing almost halfway across the room. I dropped the screwdriver in surprise. I looked guiltily over at Senomiya-san, but she had a quiet, sympathetic look. Like she was worried about me.

She turned away and stood up, going over to tenderly pick up the wayward plastic. "Science has its downsides," she said kindly. "But then again, everything has its scientific side. In the end, what's important is that you remember this — that you are the master of your fate, and the captain of your soul." She saw how puzzled I looked, and laughed. "It just means that how you use science is up to you. Robots, computers, any kind of system or research or discovery — the most important thing about them is the way they all connect people together. Telephones and radio connected people across continents. Modern computers connect them around the world. Real, working robots might take a dozen or a hundred or a thousand people to design and build them, but just the act of creating them would bring them all together."

She pressed the screwdriver back into my hand. "You and I are working on Proto-03 together, aren't we? That means that whatever it turns out to be is only possible because of the bond we have together. In a sense, it's the friendship we have made into a real object we can touch and learn from. And even if your Papa's far away right now, he's working on something that only he can build. And he's the person he is — the person who can build it — because of the bond he has with you."

I wasn't totally sure if that made sense. But it didn't matter. It felt right. 

"Thank you, Senomiya-san."

"No problem, kiddo. Now come on, let's get back to work. And you know, maybe if you get good enough at this, you and your Papa can work together some day!"

I smiled at her. Maybe she was right.

 

If I had woken up right then, I think I would've been so much happier.

 

**January 8, 2025**

I crawled into Mama and Papa's bed, snuggling between them. Papa was snoring a little, but I think I woke Mama up, because she started stroking my hair.

"Another nightmare, Suzuha? You've been having them a lot lately."

"They're not always nightmares," I mumbled, burying my face in her shoulder. I've always had dreams like that. As far back as I can remember. Some of the dream tonight was good — it was another one about Senomiya-san and the robot workshop. Those were always nice. Except… this one hadn't ended nice. I pressed my face into Mama's shoulder harder. I didn't want to think about it.

"Well, try to get a little more sleep. It's going to be a big day today. All of your Papa's friends are coming by for the big New Year's party. Won't that be fun?"

I wasn't sure about that. 

 

I was in the kitchen when Papa's first guests arrived. I wanted to help make the dinner, but Mama had me just making snacks, which was kind of unfair, because I was totally capable of doing more than that. But Mama had done all the big cooking, so there wasn't much left for me, and I still wanted to help out however I could.

The doorbell rang. "Honey, can you get it?" I heard Mama call out. "I'm still getting dressed."

"Sure, sure." Dad lumbered down the stairs and headed for the front door. You could always tell where Dad was in the house — he was a big husky guy, though not as chubby as he was in some of my dreams. (There were even some dreams where he didn't have a beard — how weird was that?)

"Too-too-roo!" I recognized that voice — it was Aunt Mayuri. She was always really fun — it was like she'd never forgotten what it was like to be a kid, unlike a whole lot of grown-ups. I was glad she was—

 

**1.130428?**

I picked through the food supplies. We'd been stretching them out as much as we could, but that meant everyone was always a little hungry. I was brave about it, of course, because Mama and Papa and Uncle Okarin had told me how important it was, but a lot of the younger kids couldn't really understand, and they cried a lot. So I was looking for little snacks that might keep them happy for a little while. But we were running low on everything. That was why Uncle Okarin and Aunt Mayuri had gone out of the shelter the day before, to find the current location of the market where the scavengers and the farmers that were still able to farm brought their food to trade.

I was happy when I saw Aunt Mayuri coming down the stairs from outside. I ran past all the rows of bedrolls to say hi and hug her. But I stopped short when I got closer. Her expression was blank, stunned. She didn't have any bags or baskets with her, not even the ones she had left with.

And her favorite blue dress was spattered with blood.

Mama and Papa were the first to get to her. They'd already seen what was wrong. "Mayuri-chan, what happened?" Mama said, gently taking her by the shoulders.

"Where's Okabe?" Papa said, looking more worried than I'd ever seen him, even when the bombs started falling and we all had to run to the shelter. He'd been so brave then, carrying me and a couple of the neighborhood kids all at once, not caring about how heavy we were.

Aunt Mayuri just shook her head, trying to find words. "He… we were at the market, and then… it was the looters, the ones on motorbikes… There was a raid… They were taking everything… One of them tried to take me, too, and Okarin, he… he tried to stop them, but…"

She broke down into tears. Mama hugged her tight. Papa was just standing there, staring into the distance, going pale. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I couldn't move, just thinking that more than anything, more than the bombs, this was proof that there was something terribly wrong with the world, because Uncle Okarin just couldn't be gone…

 

**January 8, 2025**

— I jumped as the spoon clattered to the counter.

It was a dream I'd had a few nights ago. A really sad one, about Uncle Kyouma dying. I'd just run through it all in my head in just a few seconds, when Aunt Mayuri came in. I'd had ones like it before, but this one felt worse than all of them. Or maybe that was just because it was so recent.

It was just a dream, though. Aunt Mayuri wasn't dead. Not like she was in so many of the dreams…

I focused on the snacks. I wanted things to be just right. Even if it was really a week after New Year's, it was cool having a nice lacquer serving box full of all the traditional New Year's snacks. It wasn't like cooking was my favorite hobby or anything — most of the time I'd rather be out on my bike — but New Year's has always been special.

So I only briefly waved to Aunt Mayuri when she came in and waved to me, since I was focusing on not spilling the mochi soup as I poured it into the bowls. (It wasn't because I kept on picturing blood when I look at her, no way.) 

I probably spent a little too long working on the snacks. I was feeling kind of awkward about going out and facing Aunt Mayuri, which I totally shouldn't have been. I'd had dreams like that for a long time, and they'd never hit me that hard before. Why now?

But there was one thing that was sure to draw me out.

"Okarin! Long time no see, man."

"It couldn't be helped," he said. "Christina's work has been keeping her in the States for so long, and then we didn't want to fly all the way across the ocean until we were sure we could keep the baby calm for all of it."

"Not that it worked," I heard Aunt Christina saying. "I think the people on the plane were about ready to kill us by the time we got to Narita."

Ugh, they'd brought the baby. It was so stupid the way everyone fussed over it, even when it was on the other end of a video call. It didn't even do anything yet, really, just lie there and spit up and cry, but everyone acted like it's the cutest thing ever. I didn't see why it got all the attention.

But I wasn't going to let it bug me this time. Really. Uncle Kyouma was the best of all of Papa's friends, even better than Aunt Mayuri, and I hadn't seen him in way too long. So I quickly finished putting the last of the snacks in the box and ran out to the entry hall without even washing my hands. He was standing there, looking just as cool and shaggy as ever, with Aunt Christina and the baby beside him, and Mama and Papa and Aunt Mayuri too, but I only had eyes for him.

"Uncle Kyouma!" I ran towards him and leapt into his arms.

"Ah, such strength!" he said, staggering back exaggeratedly. "You have the makings of a true warrior about you, young one."

He's said things like that before. But… remembering some of the dreams, it hit me kind of hard. I don't want to be a warrior. Sometimes I'm a warrior in my dreams, and it's almost always sad.

I squirmed out of his arms, and he let me go. He raised an eyebrow, but then turned to Papa, changing topics to the latest things they'd heard from their other friends, and whether Aunt Ruka would be able to make it this year.

I just went up the stairs about halfway, and sat down to think. It was weird. I'd been all happy to see Uncle Kyouma, and then he'd said one thing, and suddenly I was all sad. It was stupid, really. But I couldn't just make myself feel better. So mostly I just looked at my feet and brooded.

After a while, I heard someone coming up the stairs, and looked up to see it was Uncle Kyouma.

"You seem troubled," he said, sitting down on the stairs beside me, a couple of steps down so our heads were almost at the same height.

"It's nothing," I mumbled. "I just had a bad dream last night. It's stupid."

"Bad dreams are far from a stupid thing to worry about. At various times they have been viewed as prophecy, the blessings of gods or the curses of demons, or the whisperings of your subconscious mind telling you what the true issues are in your life." He patted my shoulder. "But whatever the case, one thing that has been eternally agreed on is that talking about nightmares often lessens their power. I'd be honored to do so, if you so desired."

"…Okay." Maybe it would help. But…

 

**0.571020?**

It was a few days later, and I was walking from our house at the old airstrip to the repair shop. I was happy to be outside, even though the sky was grey with thick clouds, because Mama had kept me home for the past few days. She did that sometimes — she never said why. I just figured it was something kids had to put up with sometimes. It was a good day to walk, but it was kind of a long way — I kept on asking Mama for a bicycle, because I though they'd be really cool. She said maybe someday, if she could afford it.

"Senomiya-san!" I called out happily to her as the shop came in view. She was outside, with a big bag of trash she was carrying to the cans by the side of the shop.

She turned to me and smiled. And that was when I first realized something was wrong. She was smiling, but it looked wrong somehow. Like she didn't know what she was smiling about, and didn't care.

And poking out of the bag of trash, I could see one of the arms of Proto-03.

"Oh," she said, in a kind of dreamy voice. "Hello, Suzuha-chan. It's good to see you. I haven't been around for a few days. I was getting treatment for my syndrome. It's all gone now. Isn't that nice?"

I ran up close and stopped. She barely paid attention, instead turning back to the trash cans. "Senomiya-san, what are you doing? Isn't that...?"

"I'm just getting rid of some trash I was keeping around the store for some reason. It's all stuff I should have thrown out a long time ago."

I could see inside the trash cans from this angle. It wasn't just Proto-03 in there. I saw some parts from the other test models she'd been working on, and the faceplate from one of the older big toy machines she'd said the owner before her had left behind, and even some of her tools -- a soldering iron, a spool of wire, even that small screwdriver she'd let me use.

"But... that's not trash! That's important! That's the future of robotics, you said! How are you going to make robots for everyone to enjoy?"

She pushed the bag of parts into the trash bin, hard. I could hear a horrible crunch as Proto-03's arm snapped in two. She didn't even seem to notice as turned to me with that same fixed, dreamy smile. Her left eye looked all puffy, like she had something stuck under the eyelid. "Oh, that's not important any more. It's a waste of resources. I'm going to sign up with the army. They need good mechanics."

"But – but Tanegashi Machine Proto-03!"

"It's just an ordinary piece of junk."

My stomach hurt. I felt like I wanted to throw up. The robot we'd worked on together, the one she said was a way to make the bond between us into a real thing -- it was just junk?

I was crying. I could feel the hot tears streaming from my eyes. "But you promised! You said robots brought everyone together! You said it was your dream your whole life!"

"Someday, everyone's dreams come to an end. And that's fine."

"Hey, civvie, you done here?"

Two men were walking across the road from the old rocket base. They looked like soldiers, with camouflage uniforms — and guns strapped across their backs. One tall, one short. They were talking to each other intently about something, but stopped when they saw me there.

"Hey, who the hell's this kid?" the taller one asked.

Senomiya-san smiled at him. "Oh, this is Suzuha-chan. She visits me sometimes."

"Does she live around here?"

"Yes, down at the old abandoned airstrip."

The shorter one flipped through some papers on a clipboard. "I think we must have missed her in the basic sweep. Don't have any record of anyone living there."

"You don't think she could know anything about the Geji program, do you?"

"I dunno — if she hangs around here, maybe. Think we should take her in?"

"Better safe than sorry. We can always chip her if she gets to be too much trouble. Hey, civvie, hold on to her for a minute."

I felt Senomiya-san's hands grab onto my shoulders from behind me, lightly but firmly.

"You get the cuffs, I'll call her in. We ought to grab the parents, too, while we're at it. Anyone living under our radar could be trouble." The shorter solder took a walkie-talkie off his belt, and the taller one started unhooking a pair of handcuffs from his.

Mama had taught me how to call home or the police if something went wrong.

But Mama wouldn't be able to get here fast enough if I called her, and I felt like if soldiers were being bad people, the police wouldn't be able to help much.

Senomiya-san had taught me a lot of things, too.

She'd taught me how to disassemble and reassemble a toy robot, and how to use a bunch of different tools. She'd even let me try the soldering iron, under careful supervision. She'd taught me about the thrill of creating something, and how working on projects together can bring people closer.

And, one time, when she was talking about the friends she'd made in high school, she taught me what she knew about self-defense.

I yanked my shoulders out of Senomiya-san's grip and lunged towards the tall soldier, who was looking down at his belt to get the handcuffs off. I put all my weight behind my fist as I slammed it right between his legs.

I think he fell back from surprise more than anything else. That was another thing she taught me. A little kid can't hurt people as bad as a grown-up can, usually. But nobody expects a little kid to fight. Especially a skinny little girl with her hair still in braids. They'll expect you to run, or cry, or plead. Maybe try to flail at them a little. If you move fast, and don't hesitate, they won't know what's happening for a few moments…

So I didn't hesitate. Even though I was more scared than I'd been in my whole life, I didn't hesitate. While he was still staggering back, I grabbed his leg and pulled, hard. He hadn't got his balance back yet. If I'd waited another second, it wouldn't have worked — but I got him. He fell over backwards, landing hard on the concrete, dropping the handcuffs on the ground.

"What the…?" The shorter soldier said, turning to see what had happened. Instinctively, he raised the walkie-talkie he already had out, not quite thinking to put it away and grab me, or take out his gun. Probably in another few seconds he would have. So I didn't give him those seconds -- I grabbed the handcuffs and swung them at his knee. And when he bent over, swearing, I swung them again at his face.

"God damn it -- keep hold of the brat, you bitch!" The first soldier was getting up again, fumbling for his gun. Senomiya-san didn't even react to the violence, or the swearing. She just kept on smiling as she came towards me again.

"Now, Suzuha-chan, don't fight. It's not nice. The nice men just want to help you out. Like they helped me." She tried to put her hands on my shoulders again.

I clawed at her face. I didn't really want to hurt her, but there was something wrong with her, something that made her not even herself any more. I had to get away, to tell Mama and hide somewhere safe. Senomiya-san barely even flinched, not even when I raked my nails across her cheek, not even when I managed to get one finger on her eye and pull the eyelid open, almost turning it inside-out. Not even when I saw what was underneath that eyelid. The silvery chip, like the ones in Proto-03 but so much tinier, buried in the inflamed red flesh inside her eyelid…

I don't remember much of the dream after that. I ran away, I know. Somehow I got away -- I think that I knew the area better than the soldiers did -- and got home. I was very lucky. And when I told Mama about what had happened… I think we left Tanegashima that very night. Never to return.

 

**January 8, 2025**

Uncle Kyouma had sat there listening to me talk. I felt a little embarrassed to have told him so much, but once I started talking I just couldn't stop. The words kept on flowing out. But at least he hadn't laughed.

I hugged my knees. "I guess it all sounds kinda silly now. It's just dreams."

"I think you're wrong." He sounded… serious, I guess. I could hear the grown-ups chattering away downstairs, most of them cooing over the baby, but it all seemed so far away. Uncle Kyouma just sat there on the step beside me, looking thoughtfully at me.

"Tell me, young one — and say it quickly, without stopping to think — who is Barrel Titor?"   
"That's Papa!" I blurted out.

"Indeed it is! And I suppose you learned that name in your dreams, yes?"

"Uh-huh. But… why do you know it?"

"Your dreams are not just dreams, Part-Time Warrior — no, as things stand, I should dub you the Infant Warrior."

I pouted. "I'm not an infant!"

"Nevertheless! It is an undeniable truth that your dreams are more than mere dreams. And I can offer proof." He reached into his pocket and pulled out something — a small, shiny round thing, like a big button.

"I have kept this from you for the past fifteen years." He looked at it. "Technically, I did attempt to give it to you once, eight years ago, but your mother was afraid you would choke on it. It never seemed like the right time since then. But now…"

He pressed it into my hand. It was a little badge, with a gear and a swooping arrow on it — and an inscription.

"'OSHMKUFA 2010…' Oh!"

"This is the badge that marks the bearer as a full member of the Future Gadget Laboratory. Unless I am gravely mistaken, I believe you would have seen this in certain of your dreams."

"Uh-huh. Except it was a little different. The '2' was broken, and some of the letters were asterisks…"

"Exactly. You are remembering the badge that was brought to me by a young woman by the name of Amane Suzuha. A woman who was much like you, yet was not you — for she grew up in an alternate universe, one where different events in our past led to a very different future. A woman whose life I believe you are now seeing in your dreams."

I looked at him skeptically. "I dunno, Uncle Kyouma. Are you just telling silly stories again? Like the one about you conquering the world, or the one where you dated a bunch of girls at once?"

"Perish the thought. I do overindulge in theatrics from time to time, I will admit. But I would never joke about this. Fifteen years ago, I worked hard to avert two disastrous futures. And in doing so, I met two different versions of you — one from each future. One from a world where tyranny and mind control had turned life into a soul-crushing nightmare…"

I remembered Senomiya-san and the chip in her eye. I remembered fighting alongside a group of rebels called Valkyrie, with friends like Shinjirou and Rei. I remember trying to kill Aunt Christina with a sniper rifle, and failing.

"…and one from a world where World War III wiped out human civilization, leaving a bare handful alive to pick up the pieces."

I remembered the bombs. I remembered Aunt Mayuri coming in all bloody. I remembered Papa working in a laboratory for years, finishing a time machine. I remembered…

"Each version of you sacrificed much to change the world. And you remember what they did. Through your ability… let's call it 'Dreaming Steiner.' It works much the same way my Reading Steiner did, but only through your dreams."

I giggled. "That always was a pretty silly name."

He smiled. "Ah, you have the memories of the versions I spent time with, as well, I suppose. It only makes sense. But… do you think of yourself as them?"

I had to think hard about that one. Finally I shook my head. "When I dream about them, it's like… I'm almost me, but I'm not me. They think a little different, even when they're my age, and they act a lot different. And I mean, I like riding bikes, too, and I like the aikido classes Mama signed me up for, and I like watching Papa build things… but I don't wanna be a soldier, and I don't wanna build robots, and I don't wanna go back in time. I like cooking more than I like guns."

"As I thought. You share their memories, but you are your own person." He adjusted his collar a little. "In that case, I should do this formally, for I only did it for one of your alternates." He cleared his throat.

"Amane Suzuha, that badge is yours, now and forever. It marks you as the final member of the Future Gadget Laboratory — member #008, a number shared with your alternate timeline selves. Know and remember their great deeds, but do not feel bound to them, for you shall grow to be your own woman. And if you ever have need of assistance, call on me, and I will help as I can. If you ever need courage, and I am not around, hold your badge, think of what your other selves might do, and whisper 'El Psy Congroo.' Courage will come."

I wrapped my fingers around the badge. It didn't seem like anything special on the outside. But with the cold metal on my hand, I could almost believe it had some kind of power.

He leaned back against the stairs, brushing his shaggy hair back. "To be honest, I'm very grateful I was able to find the right time to give it to you. This finally closes off the last of my unfinished business before…"

"Before what?"

He sighed. "I probably shouldn't be burdening you with this… but with your memory of the other world lines, you're bound to figure it out eventually. Do you know how the D-Mails worked?"

"A little. Like, you'd send an email, and you'd get it in the past?"

"Exactly. And the changes that email caused would change history. But thanks to my Reading Steiner, I would transfer over to that new timeline with my memory intact. I could remember the old timeline… but not the new.

"Fifteen years ago, I received an advanced version of a D-Mail, from a future version of myself. He gave me the information I needed to create the timeline we are all living in now — the Steins;Gate. With the help of the version of you who came from a war-torn future, I managed to save the world.

"But you can see the problem, can't you? From the point of view of the future me, he sent a D-Mail, and the world changed. So logically, if he retains the ability Reading Steiner…"

"…then his mind's gonna jump over into the new world," I said thoughtfully. "But… what'd happen to you, then? I mean, the 'you' that you are now?"

"I can truthfully say I have no idea. I didn't think about it much when I began experimentation with them, because there were always more urgent matters. And once I did begin to consider the consequences, all methods of time travel had been eliminated, so I could perform no more experiments.

"And to be honest, there's another worry I've had. In both the α and β world lines… I died this year."

I remembered. Aunt Mayuri coming in all bloody… And in another dream, Mama talking to the members of Valkyrie, looking for sanctuary with him, only to find he was gone…

"So. Perhaps I will die this year, if the shift to Steins;Gate did not save me like it did Mayuri and Kurisu. Perhaps I will be replaced by a version of me who remembers only war and strife. But even so… I've lived a prosperous life with my best friends at my side, and a woman I love very much. I've brought a new life into this world that would not have been possible in previous world lines. And I've gotten to help raise the daughter of one of my best friends into a strong young warrior. Is that not enough for one man's life?"

But I could see he wasn't happy about it. Were those tears in his eyes? He wasn't crying, not outright, but…

Uncle Okarin had always made me feel better. Both in real life and in my dreams. Now he was the one who was sad. How could I…?

Of course!

The idea hit me so fast that I leapt to my feet in an instant. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the cell tablet Papa had gotten me for my birthday. It only called home, 119, and 110, so I'd be able to reach the right people in emergencies, but that didn't matter right now.

I wasn't even going to turn it on.

"Control! This is Agent #008! We have an emergency!"

I didn't even think about what I was saying. I just talked, while Uncle Kyouma looked up at me in surprise.

"The Master of the Atrocious Truth has suffered a crisis of confidence! He's on the verge of giving up and letting his life end! He's falling into the deepest despair, and he's ready to leave the people who love him! He's helped me figure out what was going on, and he doesn't want to stay to keep helping! We need to tell him the real truth, the right words to figure out how to stop him from going away! Uh-huh? I see. I see. Understood. All right, I'll tell him. Ol Repth Bunny!"

I lowered the phone, and looked down at Uncle Kyouma, whose mouth was hanging open in shock. I tried to give him my sternest, most serious stare.

"Uncle Kyouma — Lab Member #001 — in all the timelines we've known each other in… Have I ever seen you give up?"

He couldn't react for a few moments. Then he threw his head back, laughing.

"Ah, to be hoist on my own petard by a mere child! Is this truly what I, the great Hououin Kyouma, have come to? Outdone at my own game by the next generation? Lo, how the mighty have fallen!"

He rose to his feet and pulled out his own phone. "It's me. The Infant Warrior has completely outplayed me! And in doing so, she has rekindled the fire that has been so lacking of late. The man called the Genius Phoenix is to be reborn! I shall not resign myself to the path of destiny. Just as I overcame the dark fates of the attractor fields to come to the life I have now, I shall defy whatever the vagaries of time travel have in store for me now. This life, this world, the friends I've made, the love I have found — they are far too precious to deny! I shall not let them go, no matter what stands in my way! El Psy Congroo!"

"Yo, Okarin, keep it down! We can hear you all the way down here!" I heard Papa call from downstairs. Uncle Kyouma and I looked at each other — and couldn't help laughing.

He put his phone away. "Thank you, Infant Warrior. Your faith in me is something I sorely needed."

I got my giggles under control. "Stop calling me that, Uncle Kyouma. I'm not a baby. Maybe I should be Bicycle Warrior? Or Next Generation Dreamer?"

"Such matters can be discussed later," he said. "You'll have plenty of opportunities to earn a name appropriate for you as time goes on. For now, I have a New Year's gift for you — one that you have just earned a thousand times over."

He took a memory stick out of his lab coat pocket and handed it to me. "This is a journal I have been keeping for the last fifteen years. All about my friends and my family, the people I have met and the course history has taken ever since the advent of this world line. And all the research I have done, both in time-related fields and otherwise.

"I fully intend to find a way to overcome whatever fate may be in store. But in case I do not accomplish this in time, and a version of me from another timeline supplants me — this is my insurance. I have given one copy of this to Christina, and I made this copy to keep on me, but I can replace it soon enough. I think you are the best person to have this. For if someday you see me acting lost and confused, not recognizing the things around me, you'll know why. And you'll know the me that has jumped into my body.

"Give this journal to him, if this should ever happen. And be there to support him. For I am confident in one thing. If the genius of one Hououin Kyouma can accomplish great things, then the genius of two of me working together should be unstoppable! With our combined knowledge, he should be able to find away to reawaken the memories of the me of this timeline, and perfect Reading Steiner — allowing me to remember both timelines!"

"Yeah! Uncle Kyouma, you're the greatest!"

He laughed, and hugged me. "Only because of the people who have let me become so. And that includes you."

 

**1.130428?**

I dreamed again that night. I dreamed of hiding in the shadows as Uncle Okarin recorded some sort of message — speaking quietly to a camera tucked away in the back of his laboratory.

"That past has been decided. But conversely, that means that's all that has been decided. Deceive the first you. Deceive the world. That is the choice to arrive at Steins;Gate."

He smiled as he approached the camera reaching out to turn it off. "I pray for your success, you insane mad scientist. El. Psy. Congroo."

Click. He snapped the camera off, and just stared at it for a moment. Then he ran a hand through his hair.

"Heh. Ha ha ha. I guess in the end, I still couldn't escape my own pretentious hipster bullshit. I wonder what he's going to think of me — still acting the fool when I'm in my thirties, in a future like this?"

"Uncle Okarin?"

He looked over at me, startled. "Suzuha-chan? What are you doing here?"

"Papa wanted to talk to you. But I didn't want to interrupt you."

"So you saw my message to the past, did you? Well, I suppose it's all for the best. It's sure to involve you, after all, though not for many years yet."

"What do you mean?"

He crouched down to look right into my eyes. "Suzuha-chan, you know that your father is working on many important inventions to protect the world, right? But what you may not know is that one of them is a time machine."

I nodded slightly. I'd sort of heard that in passing, though I'd never known how real it was. It could've just been Papa joking around.

"If he successfully completes it, then we plan to send someone back in time to change the past. You know that the world is on the brink of war, yes? There's one moment in time where we can perhaps avoid that. If we send the right person back, with the right support. The message I was recording was part of that support. And the right person… I believe that, in several years time, once the time machine is finished, you will be that person."

My eyes were wide. "Really?"

"Truly. For in a sense, I have seen it."

He stood up and walked over to his workbench, picking up an old cell phone, hooked up to his computer by a really old cable. "I plan to lay the groundwork now, for I don't know how much longer I'll be able to. This message will be sent back in time to my younger self, though he won't be able to read it until the timeline has shifted by a failed attempt to save the world." He glanced over at me. "Don't worry about remembering this — I have all the instructions you'll need, stored away so you can memorize them at a date much closer to the mission."

"So… everything's gonna change? The past, and the whole world?"

"Of course. And it must. The millions who have already died in riots and wars are nothing compared to the billions who will die if and when the final escalation comes. I know there are many people struggling to avert this war, but with a prize like time travel at stake, I don't think there's any way they could be successful. In order to save all those lives, the past must be changed."

"But… what'll happen to us? I mean, if the past is gonna change, then will we change? Or just… go away?"

"You shouldn't have to worry about that. If the past changes, you will find yourself in a better world, and never even remember this one. And if not, you'll still be here, with everyone else."

The sirens started up outside. They'd been going off and on all month now, but every time, we all got worried that this was the time it was for real.

Uncle Okarin looked seriously at me. "You'd best go — your parents will be worrying. Tell them I'll be along shortly. I've got to send my message to the past. If I'm right, all of this will change. If not… Well."

I hugged him, taking him by surprise. "Be safe, Uncle Okarin. I don't want you to go away…"

He smiled sadly, and ruffled my hair, making my braids sway. "Don't worry little one. What I do now, I do for the whole world."

I heard him saying something as I left the lab. Something like, "The moment of truth. Alea iacta est. El… Psy…"

I don't remember much more from that dream. But I remember feeling sad, which is silly.

Because I know Uncle Kyouma, no matter what the reality, would never let me down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For full enjoyment of this chapter, a passing familiarity with Robotics;Notes may be of use. Hopefully it stands alone without it, though.
> 
> Some of the events in Robotics;Notes can be traced back to before the big divergence in 2010. Most likely some of the same groundwork happened, even in the world that fell to SERN. But the results could have been quite different...


	9. Epilogue -- Steins;Gate

'Steins;Gate'. Written with the kanji for 'The Stone Gate of Destiny.'

A ridiculous name. After labeling the world lines with simple Greek letters, my alternate future self then deduced the existence of this particular world line, and gave it a ridiculous, irrelevant name. It's almost laughable.

But I know why the alternate future me coined that name, of course.

Our future has always been bound to destiny in the form of attractor fields. The will of the α timeline was that Shiina Mayuri die and CERN use time travel to turn the world into a brainwashed dystopia. The will of the β timeline was that Makise Kurisu die and her father bumble his way into starting World War III over the control of the time travel methods he stole from her. Those destinies were the 'gods' of the world, with the power to manipulate even coincidence itself to guarantee their omnipotence. Nothing could exist outside the scope of these futures, which swept up all timelines that came near them.

But now, we are in a timeline hidden in the shadow of those gods, in the narrow gap between attractor fields that neither can successfully manipulate. There is no path from here, even by the wildest contrivance, that will lead to CERN's dystopia or Nakabachi's war. In this dark valley, which is the sheerest blasphemy, an affront to the power of both gods, we are all bound to the will of a timeline that will not lead to either – we are all bound to obey the choice of Steins;Gate.

And as Daru has said so many times, and as both I and my future self had to agree...

'The choice of Steins;Gate' means nothing at all.

There are no attractor fields in the future that will warp our timeline to conform to them. There is no time travel that will alter the past to control the future. What happens, happens. Destiny doesn't mean a damn thing.

In this world, nothing controls us.

In this world, we are free.


End file.
